Sep 11, 2004

Shakespeare in the hiz-ouse

Hah! Blog o'mine, I have discovered the way to utterly destroy the marauding cookies. The suggestion that I use rats or mice to destroy my baked invaders got me to thinking, and while I wasn't really up to loosing rats in my house, I did come up with an answer that I think will do it. It's all so clear to me now. I feel a fool for not thinking of this earlier. Attend me:

Cookies are made of sugar. Roaches love sugar. Problem solved.

Therefore, I went to the trouble to order (from a reputable Bolivian cockroach importer) five thousand of the finest Greater Bolivian Sugar Fiend Cockroaches. They came this morning (FedEx Weekend Roach Delivery! Who would'a thunk it?) in a really suprisingly small box. Man, they can really pack those dudes in. I opened it right in front of an onrushing swarm of the little cookie monsters! You should have seen their little icing eyes open wide in fear and alarm as the roaches came boiling out of the box! They knew their death was upon them, on six honey-brown legs!

Of course, you should have seen MY eyes open in fear and alarm as all those thousands of Greater Bolivian Sugar Fiend Cockroaches came pouring out of that box and up my arms, into my clothes, through my hair, and onto other bits of my body that I don't usuall allow roaches onto. I didn't think I had it in me to scream like that. And I haven't peed myself in almost four decades, but today was special. Boy, was it.

So special I think I am permanently scarred.

I'm gonna have nightmares for a very long time about that.

But! I HAVE found the answer. The roaches chased the little gingerbread jerks all over the house. I found myself a nice space in a corner of a wall where I could kind of crouch and watch them run (and keep the roaches at bay with a shoe.) Now if only I could get that tic in my cheek to stop.

Cry havoc, and let slip the cockroaches of war!

Today's colour: Roasted-coffee bean brown with green guts
Today's scent: Roach guts...EW
Today's sound: "Crunch!"
Today's Recipe: A nice pot of camomile tea, to settle my nerves
Today's Recon: Hiding in a corner trembling violently
Today's Weapon of Choice: Size 13W New Balance athletic shoe

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