Oct 7, 2004

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Wear a Monocle

I finally decided that to do things right, and I mean really RIGHT, I needed one of those hugemongous monstro world globes that stand on the floor, resting in it's own solid teak and platinum cradle, one of those globes that weighs about as much as several very fat children, or maybe a small SUV. You know the kind--every third-rate two bit dictator or evil genius has one; you have to get one so that you can stand behind it, looming menacingly, lit from below so you look diabolical, and you're wearing your brand new hand-tailored black suit and black satin cape, shaking your black leather-clad fists over it (or prehaps just running your hands across the top in that evil sexy way) and cackling in a high-pitched range as your monocle falls out of your eye and the music comes to a fevered pitch...

You know the kind.

Well, this website I found doesn't exactly PROMOTE it, and I can't give you the secret code I got out of Dictator's Home Journal magazine, but if you look carefully you can find where, as well as the Presidential and the Diplomat models they also offer a "Generalissimo" and a "World Conqueror" model, both of which can be programmed to play a cd of screams and moans intended to duplicate those of your crushed underfoot native peoples, as well as letting you light up (in red, natch) the countries your power extends over. The 'WC' model includes a nice "Tide Of Evil" black arrow option in which thick black arrows spread menacingly across the continent of your choice from your base of operations, showing your octopus-like intentions toward other countries.

Sweet!


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