Dec 12, 2004

I try not to be bitter

ALL the time, but I cannot help it sometime.

I was reading a blog this morning that lead me to Yahoo!'s (is that the right plural?) movie pages, and I became distraught. Hollywood is busy trying to destroy everything I have come to know and love.

War of the Worlds. Now there's a Hollyweird version, and an Indie version that likely will never be seen anywhere. The HW version is a remake not of the book but of George Pal's movie, which DID NOT NEED TO BE REMADE!!! The Indie version, thankfully, is going to be truer to the book, or so I'm lead to believe. Damn, people, let's wake up here. Why don't we repaint the Sistine Chapel in Tempra paint while we're at it?

The Merchant of Venice. Al Pacino is in it, so it's GOING to be good. Ever since I saw...ah, I always get it wrong...Becoming Richard? Being Richard? Ever since I saw it, I have HUNGERED to see Pacino do Shakespeare, one of the really strong characters. I think this might be a marvelous direction for him to take. This I cannot wait for, and no, it's not negative at all, but I wanted to break up the nastiness with something nice.

On with the nastiness.

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. What, Gene Wilder wasn't creepy enough for you? I STILL have nightmares about the boat ride down the chocolate river thing, and about flying into huge spinning steel blades. That's not even saying ANYTHING about the years of therapy it took me to get over how downright bizarre Gene Wilder was in that movie. And I really LIKE Wilder, utterly adore Young Frankenstein, but I saw Willy Wonka wayyyy too young, and it marked me. Now Tim Burton is gonna have at it, which means it's going to be wonderful and amazing and incredible, or it's gonna suck on toast. And it's gonna have Johnny Depp, pale and creepy and Depping all over the place. Sheesh.

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. I can see them now, sitting around a big table in a HollowWood film production office.

Film Exec #1 "So, gentlemen, the question before us now is 'What can we screw up today?'"
Film Exec #2 "How about 'I, Robot'?"
Film Exec #1 "Nah, been done."
Film Exec #3 "Phillip K. Dick?"
FE #1 "Nah, been done too often."
FE #4 "Hey, what about Star Wars?"
FE #1 "No, Lucas is doing that to himself, he don't need OUR help."
FE #5 "Heinlein?"
FE #1 "Nope, 'Starship Troopers V: More Buckets of Blood and Intestines--Straight To Video' is due out next week."
FE #2 "Hey, how about Douglas Adams--he's dead now, he can't sue."
FE #2 "Who is he? I never heard of him."
FE #3 and #4 in unison "Yeah! That'd be great! Let's go dig him up and stick one in his a**."

I swear, this is how it has to happen. In a real world this sort of thing shouldn't happen. Like "I, Robot" shouldn't have happened.

I'm about ready to quit the field in disgust.

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