Dec 26, 2004

Soup Toureen of the Gods

At what point did I change? At which stage of my life did I go from hating the idea of getting clothes to the absolute joy of getting them? When the hell did this happen, and why wasn't I informed about it? Where does it say in the User's Manual that at some point a switch would be thrown, a neuron jiggled, some sort of chemical re-equilibrium would occur that would make me appreciate clothing as Xmas gifts.

I guess working for a living and supporting a family helped that along. Realising how much clothing COSTS probably helped. And having to debate carefully the benefits vs the drawbacks of clothing vs running water probably added fuel to the designer fire.

One of the simple joys of after-Xmas for me is going back to work (no, that's not it, this is) wearing new clothes. Granted the work shirt is the same old rag, two years old or better, worn almost to the point that the collar is starting to sprout those little white spots where the fabric has worn completely through. The rest, however, is new. New, sharply-creased black chinos (pleated front with cuffs, natch--sharp) and a new pair of boxers (red with tiny gold stylized carnations) and a new pair of argyle socks. Is there no more beautiful set of words in the English language than "new argyle socks"? Oooh, how it rolls off the tongue.

"Good morning, Irrelephant. How was your Xmas?"
"New argyle socks."

"Excuse me sir, do you carry Polariod film?"
"New argyle socks."

"Uhm, yeah, I'm looking for this wire thing that I have to have so my kids can hook up their X-Box, it's sort of this one wire plug on the end and on the other there's supposed to be like a box and three wires that come out of it and a USB cable that sticks in the computer so they can play it on the internet and I have dial-up and it's suppsed to have like red and white and blue or some coloured plugs on it...do you have that?"
"New argyle socks."

"How much is this?"
"Get the f**k off my back, jerk! I've got new argyle socks! Why the f**k aren't you at work or at your tiny grease-smelling home, with your slack-jawed Cheeto's-eating soap-opera-watching wife and all your damned snot-nosed loud filthy dirt children?"

Okay, so the last one is more like how it goes in my head, and the first three are more like how it goes in that Perfect World that the credit card company is always advertising about.

Reality stinks. I reject your reality and substitute my own. Thank you, Adam Savage.

4 comments:

Vulgar Wizard said...

WELL, DID THE DAUGHTER'S NEW CLOTHES FIT OR WHAT?

Vulgar Wizard said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Irrelephant said...

They fit wonderfully, other daughter of mine...*s* And thank you utterly much. She's finally getting to the stage that she LIKES clothes, so to have your gifts as well as those we got her and more from her step-grandma (is that a real term?) she's got pretty, clean, unstained nice things to wear for quite a while. *whew*

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