Mar 10, 2005

Body says strange things now

Having been the sometimes proud owner of a 1967 model Human Biped for quite a few years now, I have always been careful to listen to the various warning signs and signals that this model is known to give off.

For instance, I know that when fluid builds up on the knee, it means that I have strained the limit of it's ability, and the fluid is there because I've damaged something. It's common knowledge to me that if my lips feel chapped when it's warm that I'm dehydrated and need water. I know intimately all the little warning signs and twinges that mean the nerve in my lower back is about to get pinched, so I can attempt wildly to correct before I am thrown to the ground groaning in pain. I even know that red and yella kill a fella, while red and black, venom lack. And that red skies at night is a sailor's delight.

What makes me wonder this morning, tho, is not covered in any old wife's tale that I know of, and I don't know too many old wives to be asking, for that matter. When you've got a cold, and your sinuses are pouring like Niagra, it's well known that a green tint to the mucus means that you're contagious, so it's time to go to work and to as many public places as possible and play "Plague Dog," sneezing, breathing and otherwise spreading as much contagion as you can.

What does it mean, tho, when it's brown?

I asked myself that this morning, upon blowing my nose and seeing something I didn't expect at all. And instead of checking the vast resources of the medical field as available on the internet, I'm going to rely on hearsay and rumour, as always. I have narrowed the field down to several probable causes:

What's Wrong With Irrelephant's Snot

  • The generic brand Nyquil I took last night was expired, and I am now suffering from a bizarre medical accident which will turn me into a flesh-craving zombie. I put that one first because that'd be the COOLEST answer.

  • One of the cats crapped in my mouth last night. I know they do it every time I go to bed drunk, so why not when I'm sick, too?

  • It's time to have my oil filter checked, and my coolant and other fluids changed. This I doubt pretty seriously, because my "Service Engine Soon" light isn't on.

  • I've inhaled so much sawdust from my woodworking hobby that I've attained a thriving mulch bed in my sinuses, and the head cold has dislodged the mushroom crop that was thriving up there. Mmmmm...shitake.

  • I'm actually living in an anime movie, and very soon now the evil aliens living in my body will start to erupt, making brown goo pour from all my orifices, including my eyes, and they accidentally left the lid off one container of Brown Goo #7 while preparing to make their big entrance.

  • The chemtrails are real, and I'm suffering from some sort of strange medical malady caused by the government spraying me with heinous pharmaceuticals from high-flying aircraft, and the moment I check myself into the hospital with respiratory problems I will instead be whisked covertly (in a black UN helicopter) to some secret government laboratory deep within the bowels of a missle silo underneath a mountain in Nebraska where I will be irradiated, poked, prodded, probed and otherwise studied minutely by teams of government surgeons and scientists who are working to perfect a genetically perfect Super Soldier, and instead got me.


At least that's MY take on it.

No comments: