Mar 27, 2005

CSI: Louisiana

A crime was committed here last night.

After years of watching television trailers for CSI: Miami, CSI: SVU, CSI: Hawaii, CSI: Havana, hundreds of episodes of Sherlock Holmes, Magnum PI, Quincy ME, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where Data dressed up as Sherlock Holmes and went around the Enterprise smoking a calabash pipe and solving a mystery I feel pretty good about my ability to solve this crime.

It seems that last night around 1:30 am (because that's the time I was up and did it) the perpetrator gained entrance to the Irrelephant home. A thorough search of the surrounding ground and entrances showed no sign of forced entry nor footprints in the very wet surrounding ground, so it's my studied opinion that the perpetrator entered by magic.

This photo shows the main evidence at the scene. Obviously the culprit gained entrance to the home, made his way to the refrigerator and gained access to baby carrot sticks. Jelly beans which were stored in a cabinet in the kitchen were also procured. A glass of 2% milk was also gathered from the kitchen and brought into the living room, in front of the television set. Dental evidence on the bitten carrot suggests two very large, very sharp incisors, set in the very front of the culprit's mouth.

The intruder then settled himself on the couch. Hair and fibre evidence gathered shows three different types of white fur--two match the DNA of the family housecats, but the third is similar to that of the species Oryctolagus cuniculus flemish, the Flemish Giant Rabbit. DNA evidence gathered from the saliva on the glass' rim and the plate also bear this theory out. Further investigation of threads found on the back of the couch indicate that the fibers were of a distinctly antique style. The weave of the threads and the dyes used indicate that it was hand-spun wool, and the chemical contents of the dye date it to the mid 1800s, of a particularly nauseating paisley pattern. White hairs matching those on the couch were found on the bowl of the pipe, as well as matching hairs trapped on the leading edges of two of the ceiling fan blades.

The television remote did not show any clear fingerprints of anyone but the family, but it was obvious by turning the television set on that the last channel viewed was The Outdoor Life Channel. The volume on the family stereo receiver was turned quite low, indicated that some caution was taken not to wake the family during this nocturnal viewing.

A note lettered on white lined paper was from the young child in the household, asking the "Easter Bunny" for a pair of Beanie Baby toys, and contained a separate drawing in crayon of the "Easter Bunny" bringing coloured eggs and gifts. The drawing was taken from the scene of the crime by the culprit, but the placement of the letter indicates that it had been removed from the family's kitchen table, was brought to the couch where it was read, the drawing removed, and then the letter was left on the television table in clear view of the person sitting on the couch.

The most damning piece of evidence was the pipe and tobacco smoking articles also found on the table, all of which belong to the only male in the household. The tobacco spilled on the tabletop was also dated to the late 1800s, although surprisingly it was still curiously fresh. The tobacco particles indicate that it is a common blend of Black Cavendish leaf that would have been used quite widely in England in the Victorian Age. The ashtray which sat on the corner of the table was unfortunately removed by one of the regular patrol officers while he snuck a smoke, and before he realised this was a crime scene, but ashes in it matched ashes taken from the pipe resting on the table.

In conclusion, all evidence points to a rabbit able to walk bipedally, standing approximately 6-6 1/2' tall, with upright standing ears which would bring it's total height to almost 8'. This height easily accounts for the hairs found in the ceiling fan. The culprit was last wearing a purpe and green paisley waist coat.

The rabbit entered the home by some means unknown, proceeded to the kitchen, helped himself to carrot sticks and jelly beans and a glass of lowfat milk, seated himself on the family couch, and proceeded to watch OLN on the television. The note left by the child in the kitchen was read, and the drawing kept by the rabbit. After snacking on the food items and finishing off the glass of milk, the culprit then entered the husband's office and procured a meerschaum pipe (perhaps that particular pipe because of it's white, egg-like appearance?,) several pipe cleaners, a tamp and a lighter, and proceeded to smoke a bowl of very old tobacco at the couch.

At some point the culprit's tall, upright ears were struck by the ceiling fan blades. Perhaps the pipe was smoked to soothe his already frayed nerves, but this is just conjecture. After eating and smoking, the culprit, who further DNA studies have revealed as none other than Peter "Hopping Down The Bunny Trail" Rabbit, aka "The Easter Bunny," left a large supply of chocolate treats, child's makeup articles and a rather large stuffed animal, all of which were obviously intended for the young girl living in the household. The child had asked for two small Beanie Baby stuffed animals, it is not certain at this time why the culprit ignored this request and substituted a 3' tall purple rabbit doll instead.

I request that this case be held pending further investigation, as crimes of this sort have been going on for countless centuries across most of the Western world, and little can be done to stop a perpetrator who is liked, nay welcomed into family's homes.

Happy Easter, ya'll.

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