Mar 7, 2005

Green Death

Nyquil. You know it, you love it. Or you hate it. Or you're a big drinker of Jagermeister and think that it's just the mint flavor of Jager, and is best served with a Coke and some ice.

I caught a cold from I don't know where, but it's got me, and in the past two days has instantly moved into my chest, so now I have that cough that only comes from a lifetime of smoking three packs of Pall Malls a day. And of course every time I cough my back hurts, so the promising new start at work next Monday is going to be hampered by a wracking cough and stuffy nose. Damn, gotta love that. Me, my money is firm on the idea that my job for two more days somehow introduced some sort of bacteriological element into my morning coffee, something that will linger with me until my termination date, and the next day will be my Termination Date. Remote controlled nano-bugs hiding out in my nasal cavities, and when I blow my nose for the nth time my head is going to explode.

But I digress.

Nyquil. I don't take a lot of drugs, I really don't. I dislike them on principle, and the side effects always seem to happen to me. That tiny percent of people that have the horrible side effects like death and dismemberment? That's me. So I don't take much medicine.

Last night I decided that I Had to sleep. My sinus cavity was solid, I felt like I had a thirty pound block of wood for a head, and my throat was getting that feeling that comes with a bad sinus problem. You know the feeling, like you've been gargling with a wire bottle brush and some kerosene. Well, I wanted to sleep. Really wanted it. So, I dug deep in the closet, chained the dog back up, slid aside the hidden door, disarmed the traps, turned off the machine gun, gave the passwords and signs, opened the tiny safe with the gold key, and took out:

The Green Death.

And I took a dose. That's some horrible stuff, you know? The taste stays with you long after you've swallowed it all down, sort of lingers back there around that little dangly bit in your throat and it leaps out when you least expect it and puts your tongue in a strangle-hold. I brushed my teeth for fifteen minutes straight and it STILL kept creeping back up my throat like a green ninja in a really horrible Kung Fu movie.


I mean that's some serious bad stuff. Worse than brushing your teeth and then drinking a big glass of OJ. Worse than searing your mouth real good on a new pipe and then taking a big swig of Coke. Worse than gargling with kerosene and a wire bottle brush. And it TASTES green. That's what gets me. I will forever match the colour green with that taste, that sickly minty eucalyptus green. I guarantee that deep in the depths of the Nyquil factory there are thousands and thousands of koala bears gorging themselves on eucalyptus leaves, urinating pure Nyquil.

I spent the next few minutes sort of making sure the house was secure and quiet, like I always do at night, and headed toward bed. I think I was awake for about three point five seconds after that, because the next thing I remember was the alarm going off at 6 am and me realising that I had fallen asleep fully clothed and half standing on the floor. But, it worked. I don't even remember dreaming. Hell, I don't remember BREATHING.

I can't wait for tonite.

1 comment:

Kate said...

Here's where I suggest Nyquil liquicaps (I guess they have trained the Koalas to go into these little plasticky caplet things)... I reacquainted myself with them this past weekend when I too was encumbered with a cold. Meds minus the everlasting nastiness of the liquid.