Apr 22, 2005

Deus et deuce

That's right, two Jaizuses for the price of one! Whattabahgain!

Sometimes, strange things happen around here. And I mean stranger than someone with a coon dog, a pirogue and twelve shotguns in the back of their truck at the local swank hotel. I'm talking about Walking Talking Jaizuses.

Right at 5 o'clock yesterday, suited up and ready to walk out the door, Blondie, one of our coworkers runs clomping into the office on her huge platform sandals and shouts "Jesus is out walking down the road!" and immediately flees back outside. Not being one to miss the freak show, I figured He'd still be there when I drove out, so I left casusally, while the rest of the office sans my daughter (also my boss) poured outside to gawp and gape.

So when I get to the access road to the highway, what do I see? A very white dude in a very white bedsheet packing a twenty-foot long gleaming white plastic cross over his shoulder. And being a good ex-Catholic boy, what's the first thing I think? "I wonder if there's tiny wheels at the bottom, so it can roll better? That'd rock!"

When I drove past the whole charade came clearer to me. For one, he had an escort truck full of water and a couple of what I can only assume were back-up Jaizuses. Secondly, he had backed up one lane of traffic a good ten cars deep because some moron wanted his signature, or to have their picture taken with the Authentic Fake Jaizus. Thirdly, there were two of them, each working a different side of the road. And that's where it really broke down for me. I see one who was headed distinctly West, toward Leesville. Then, no more than a quarter mile away, I see ANOTHER Jaizus, this one in the same white sheet and tennis shoes, packing a similar white plastic cross, only this one is wearing a dark blue do-rag. What Would Jesus Wear? Uhm...apparently one of those blue bandanas you can buy at the Dollar Store and a white twin-size bedsheet from Target. And he's got the same setup--a support vehicle filled with Gatoraide and water and snack crackers and assorted cheeses. Damn, Jesus never had it so good.

So what then occurred to me was this--perhaps they were two RIVAL Jaizuses, each walking his way across America, and by some cosmic (divine?) coincidence they were about to meet, here, in Louisiana, on a major highway at 5 o'clock, in just about an other half mile, and when they did there'd be a Holy Free For All the likes of which haven't been seen in Heaven nor on Earth since the Holy Trinity drunkenly duked it out with Gabriel the Archangel over who was gonna pick up the $347 bar tab.

So me, not being one to miss a good Holy War, decided to sit tight and watch, armed with my trusty cellular camera phone. See? I do think of you guys. I mean honestly, I knew this was going to be bigger than seeing a picture of the new Pope on toast BEFORE he was elected. Honestly, things got a little tense for me when I saw the two Jehovah's Witnesses come bicycling up with murder in their beady little eyes, but what finally made me drive off, before the Battle Of The Millennium started was the arrival of a four-wheel drive Dodge Ram crew cab, filled to bursting with saffron-robed monks. I mean there must have been fourty of them or more, all hanging out of the cab and crushed up in the bed. I didn't want to be in the midst of THAT. Surefire way to get smack in the middle of a plague of locusts or something.

Anyway, my money would have been on Ganesh.

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