Apr 20, 2005

In brief

Even though I'm a boxers sort of guy.

Last night was emotionally dark, for me. I have always had what the psychologists call an "external locus of control," which is to say that things outside the confines of my skull move me, change my moods, and steer me. The opposite is, naturally, an internal locus of control, but I've never had one of those. Never even seen the brochure.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck in his groin. The bartender says "Uhm...excuse me Captain, but you've got a ship's wheel stuck in your groin. Doesn't that hurt?"
The pirate says "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."

External locus of control.

Books affect me. Movies do the same. People most especially can give that wheel a spin, or can put a gentle hand on it and give the entire ship a stabilising effect. I've worked at changing this, and still am working at it, but it's a long, slow process, if in fact there is a terminus to it. I'll tell you in a few years if it's worked. But anyway, the long and short of it is that I was coming to the bottom of a two-day fall last night, was tired (always a factor in my mood swings) and still fighting the tail end of this damned cold. Nightmares have been getting me pretty bad, and external things have been really getting on top of me. No excuses, just an explaination of sorts. I'm good at morose, but always better at it at the bottom end of that arc.

Winter does me a turn, too, usually. Traffic ALWAYS does, and storms are more often than not positive influences, but they can bring me down, too. Those days where 'nothing goes right?' Utter killers. Today is Hump Day, I've got a stack of paperwork waiting for me this morning, and fortunate for me paper can't bring me down nor up, but having a day full of constructive things to do (like sorting paper neatly and successfully,) and spending the entire day busy, without time to look up always makes me feel good, like I've accomplished something--turning a complete chunk of chaos into something useful and orderly.

So, it's time to get the wee 'relephant breakfasted and on the NASCAR bus, and me to work, to turn that mountain into neat orderly medical records. See you in about 10 hours.

1 comment:

Caffeinated Mommy said...

I understand about outside elements influencing you. Usually it's the weather that's the deal-breaker for me. Rain always changes the course of my thoughts toward the darker side, sunny days make me almost believe in a higher power, etc. etc.
You know, you really do fascinate me. At least, your words do. Haven't seen you in a while. : )