Apr 19, 2005

Night of the Long Nights

Ever have one of those nights where it seems it would have been better if you had just woken up dead instead?

When I was eight, I went to my first Chinese restaurant. As I recall it was not a good experience--a customer dining alone that night died at his table, and the serving staff quickly hustled the inert body into the kitchen, and I swear I found a shirt button in my sweet and sour pork, and the tea tasted like it had been brewed in something biological, and when the night was over I opened my stale fortune cookie to read:

"You will be haunted by gut-wrenching nightmares for the rest of your miserable days, stinking round-eye."

The back said:

"Your lucky number is FECES BROWN. Learn Chinese! 'Fooking Mahnkey' - Chinese for 'I have rabies, please put me down.'

When we left the restaurant my mother ran over this wizened little old man in robes and a strange hat who was shouting Chinese gibberish at us, and as we drove out into the street I looked out the back window as he pointed a dying, quivering finger at me.

It was a bad night last night. And here's a little tip for you movie-renters out there: the new release "Sideways," no matter how much they promote it as a cutesy little comedic love movie, isn't. Don't fall for it like we did. It's drama, and a lot of angst and neuroticism and California wine and one truly disgusting scene of two hideous fat people having sex, and other unattractive people having sex, and more angst, and one elderly Saab convertible who was the highlight of the movie, for me. It will leave you feeling emotionally crippled, and will prompt nightmares of an outdoor party at your house where hundreds of people keep showing up and you can't control anything and you will keep seeing nearly invisible things pass overhead in the stars and it will utterly ruin your night and you will wake up feeling sore and rumpled and entirely unwell.

You have been warned.

The power of our minds to truly F us up has always astounded me. It's the reason I went into Psychology--to see if I could make some sense out of my and other people's minds. Of course I found out later that going into Psychology in college to find out what makes people tick is the same as reading an issue of Popular Mechanics so you can go home and build your own space station in orbit around Pluto using nanobots. Only more expensive.

So I find myself at the power of my own mind. I feel muddled, like someone took the 2 liter bottle that is me, filled it with dirt and water, and shook it violently. And yes, if you mean 'do I feel all brown and icky and have sticks and leaves floating on top,' I do. That's how I feel right now. And the forecast is promising rain, and instead of being home so I can sleep through it's music I'll be at work having to stare out the window at it all day, so that should be the icing on the cake.


1 comment:

Vulgar Wizard said...

Yay, nanobots!