Apr 7, 2005

Redneck Dinner Theatre

Ah'm gonna get me uh triple-wide!

That was the high point yesterday of RDT. It's not bad enough that I have to endure having rednecks living next door in a trailer. It's not bad enough that I can often hear them shouting at each other across the house while IN my own house. It's not bad enough that they're training their 10-ish year old lard-o child to be the same way. It's not even bad enough that I have to occasionally see the female of the three out in her three-coloured hair (black roots, dark blonde middle, bleached ends) and her beef jerky skin out hanging wife-beater T-shirts and soiled boxers on the clothesline.

Now I have to work with a pair of them.

It was enough to have one sitting across the office from me. Listening to kuntry music all day is bad, but I can counter with NPR and classical, just loud enough to drown her out. And usually she doesn't speak a lot, which is such blessings showered down on me. The thing is, her sister works there, as a home health aide. This means that I see them together for about three minutes a day, when she turns in paperwork. Yesterday, however, things went terribly wrong.

She plunked her chunk ass down in the chair across from her sister's desk, and they began rednecking. I won't go into specifics, because the mannerisms and accent just don't come across well in writing, and trying to write s**tkicker phonetically just doesn't bring it across. Let's just hit the high points of the conversation, shall we?

  • Triple-wide trailer houses (not trailer, "trailer houses.")
  • Who was sleeping with which cousin
  • Gettin' mah gun and shooting 'that tramp'
  • Killing stray animals
  • Husband's job at Jiffy Lube
  • Living so far into the woods that you have to walk three miles to your house because the vehicle can't make it there
  • Getting yet ANOTHER redneck hired on at the office
  • A lot of aints. You know, relatives. Potential mates.

So I had to leave the room. I held on for a good ten minutes, trying to bury their voices in Beethoven and Chopin, but I simply broke. Couldn't stand it any longer. I'm not proud of that fact, but it was either that or point out to them that however nice it would be to get a surround sound sytem free with your triple wide trailer house it still wouldn't do them any good, because you can't get THX surround sound by picking up one of three stations on an aerial antenna. That would have lead to me espousing the idea that if one was going to spend $85,000 on a trailer house, one would be a lot better off if they used that credit to buy a REAL house, one that doesn't come on axles.

Lord deliver me from mad dogs and Dale Earnhardt fans.

No comments: