May 4, 2005

The Universal Solvent: Part Thlee

In which I continue quietly worshiping the Goodness that is WD-40.

As an aside, and to answer the question publically that was answered this morning privately, I don't know if ANY of these functions work well, as I have not had the time to try them, other than the shower door one which you will see today, which DOES work, as I have none other than my own sainted Mum, may she rest in peace, as a witness to the actual perfect functionality of WD-40 as the cleaner of choice of nasty shower doors.

So without further ado, let's ado this--

  • Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing. I know I feel more relieved to know that my twelve thousand life-sized terra cotta soldiers that are to be buried with me when I die will not be covered in icky white stuff.
  • Removes tomato stains from clothing. This is a particularly useful one, since I eat things like pasta and other tomato sauce-covered dishes like a pig in deep slop.
  • Gives children's play gym slides a shine for a super-fast slide. This is my favourite use. I can't tell you how often I have snuck into school playgrounds with the Big Gulp 66oz can of WD-40 and gone to town on every slide in reach. It's so worth it to see the looks of joy on those kid's faces when they reach 60mph down that yellow slice of hell.
  • Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close. This is particularly handy when you are attacked in a dark alley in London and, defending yourself quickly with your brolly you find yourself outnumbered by ruffians and have to open your brolly quickly to throw off attackers. Been there. Had a sticky brolly stem. Still bear the scars.
  • Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging. This is a particularly nice use, because there is nothing I can stand more than a fogged up bathroom mirror, except finding myself in a bar without my pants.
  • Lubricates prosthetic limbs. I cannot tell you how often I have been staring through the knothole in Grandpa's wooden leg and had to get up and leave because of the incessant squeaking from the knee joint. Or maybe it was the termites.
  • Keeps rust from forming on tools, saw blades, and gardening equipment. Okay, so now, let's be serious. I mean, WD-40 is the God Fluid, but prevent rust? I seriously doubt that.
  • Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell.) Hate the smell? How could anyone possibly hate that smell? Good lord, what a wonderful smell! Right up there with SAE 10W40.
  • And finally, the proof--when I said WD-40 was better than duct tape, I meant it. WD-40 removes that horrible grey mung that duct tape leaves behind when you tear it off things. There have been so very many days when I've had to walk into work and explain to everyone who looked at me funny why I'm covered in grey bumply duct tape mung. And to think that the answer was that close to hand.

So you see, I think I've pretty much proven beyond a doubt that you need, you want, you MUST HAVE WD-40 everywhere. Put a can in your car, in your garage, in your bedroom dresser. And when your can's time comes to leave you, to venture back into the black depths of space, called to find another burgeoning civilisation that desperately needs the blessings of WD-40 upon it, wish it well and godspeed.

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