May 3, 2005

The Universal Solvent

The Miracle Of The Ages. The most useful item ever: WD-40.

Yes indeed, there is no finer item in the world than a can of WD-40. Better even than duct tape, and I'm here to prove it. WD-40 (also known as God's Sweat (no, not really, but I thought it needed a catchy nickname)) was supposedly invented in 1953 by a couple of technicians at The San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. It was the forthieth compound they mixed in their attempts, and thus the name. They were aiming to get a "water displacement" compound, degreaser and in general rust preventative. Soon therafter the Corsair Company bought it in bulk to protect their stash of Atlas missile parts. From there the employees began sneaking cans of it home to use there, and the executives decided that it was time to market it to the general public.

Well, I'm here to tell you, that story is complete flummery.

WD-40, that magic elixir, cannot have been invented here, not on Earth. Nothing that wonderous could EVER have sprung from mere mortal hands. No, WD-40 was invented some billions of years ago by a single mass-mind being of pure energy, who existed solely in the depths of space, unfettered by mere physical laws. Intended to be an energy drink, this fluid of rare and exotic property was so powerful that it broke through it's imprisoning energy cage (after spraying the lock mechanism and hinges) and fled into the cosmos, there to spread into every inhabited niche in the Universe.

Doubt me? Check any alien species, anywhere. I guarantee that somewhere, in the back of each and every xenobiological junk drawer there will be a can of WD-40, usually missing it's cap, and always missing the little red straw, but there it will lie, quiescent, waiting for it's opportunity to be of service. You could find the most far-flung space craft imaginable, seek out it's engine room, and there where it's drive is mounted, even if said drive is a basketball-sized quicksilver sphere and three pink rods there will be that ubiquitous red, yellow and blue can, somewhere within the engineer's questing hand. Or pseudopod. Or tentacle. Or mind control.

Among some of WD-40's astounding properties are:

  • It protects silver from tarnishing. Paul Revere, silversmith and horseman, used to spray it on every piece he crafted. Before his famous Midnight Ride he sprayed down his horse "Oxidation" with it, so they would pass more quickly through the township.
  • It cleans and lubricates guitar strings. This fact is well known by The Rolling Stones, and Mick Jagger has long been cleaning and lubricating Keith Richards with it. This is also why Keith Richards cannot be killed by mortal means.
  • It gives floors that "just waxed" sheen without making them slippery. In the movie The Green Mile it's a little known fact that Stephen King Himself would show up every morning at 4 am to wax the set. All of it.
  • It keeps flies off cows. Everyone knows that you can spend thousands of rupees on expensive chemicals to keep biting insects off your livestock, but few know that a few quick spritzes with WD-40 on your cattle keeps annoyance insects from your precious animals, and it even makes the milking easier.
  • It restores and cleans chalkboards. Helping penetrate the slate material of a chalkboard is not the only thing it can do. Studies at Harvard University show that students learn more when the air is filled with the alluring fragrance of WD-40, and that otherwise tricky thoughts slide into thick skulls an average of 23% faster than with placebo.
  • It removes lipstick stains. No longer will you be troubled by that glaring indication that the board meeting wasn't tonite! Simply pack around a pocket-size can of WD-40 and spray that proof away! Warning--does not work on long blonde hairs.
  • Loosens stubborn zippers. Admiral Byrd himself would never leave on an expedition without a can somwhere in his pack, usually just on top of the survival rations and his book "25 Recipes For Snow And A Fellow Hiker."
  • Untangles jewelry chains. Homie, sweat it no mo'! Get your bad self a can of 'dis chit and you be off da chain, fashizzle!
  • Removes stains from stainless steel sinks. We've all been there--the horrible realisation that stainless steel isn't. Fret no more, because now you know what grave robbers and evil genius scientists in huge stone towers have known for generations: all it takes is a spritz of WD-40 and some scrubbing by your favourite Igor and those tell-tale signs of your failed experiments are GONE!
  • Removes dirt and grime from the barbeque pit. How many times have you been entertaining the Jones' and found that your BBQ pit is filthy with old grease and pork squeezings? Rest easy friend. Simply spray a can of WD-40 liberally over Mrs. Jones, point Mr. Jones at her, and he'll be so busy that he'll never notice you scrubbing your barbecue pit with steel wool like a madman!

More tomorrow--just can't wait, can you?


Vulgar Wizard said...

*ahem* Are any of these bulleted items true, Irrelephant? I mean, silver tarnishes if you look at it crossways . . .

Will said...

Ha. Pork squeezings. That's hilarious.