Jun 5, 2005

How do I get traffic, officer?

One of the blogs I read occasionally just boasted that a poll they took accumulated over 700 visits in a 24 hour period.

So my question, asked from a mind that craves attention, is "How the hell do I get that sort of traffic without selling myself for nickels or putting the word "twat" in my blog's title? I mean DAMN. Don't get me wrong, she writes well, but not all THAT well. And most of it is whining about her family and how Belgium is. Borderline stuff at best. So is that the trick? I need to be more mediocre? Well then, here we go!

Okay, so let me complain about the heat. It's freaking HOT out there, can I tell you? The wife asked me to drive to Wal-Mart today to pick up a script, and since I had a request from the daughter for a butterfly net, and I needed some deodorant, and I could use all that as excuse to go fill the gasoline cans for the lawn tractor and weedeater that I never use, so I put on the jeans and headed out. And started sweating immediately.

What's sad is that I went at 10 am. I was up at 6:30 (late for me) and out on the fenceline at 7 swinging an idiot stick with more than idiotic fury (the shoulder tells me so right now) and it was hot then, so I guess I got what I deserved if not expected. I also went early to get to Wal-Fart before the idjits arrive. When Church lets out Wal-Mart fills with brightly-coloured Sunday Best Idiots who are all looking for just the right loaf of french bread or just the particular car battery they need to get home, and as much as I hate that place I utterly REFUSE to set foot in there on a Sunday afternoon. I'd sooner have my trunk hammered flat and nailed to the floor with roofing tacks by a 300 pound redneck in Dickies named "Bo."

Ne in my early-birdness got there to find the pharmacy closed, either because of the dreadfully early hour or because Louisiana still sometimes suffers from the effects of the old Blue Laws, so after a few well-chosen explectives for the world at large I went on to find the other items. Thankfully the gawds that be kept the entire trip from being an utter failure by letting me find the two other items I needed after spending a fruitless twenty minutes looking for an employee who gestured across half the store and said "It's on thuh thud aile," and so I got my goodies and fled. The wife called me en route out of the parking lot, thereby cleverly distracting me from stopping at Lowe's, which was what I intended to do, since I was already in the truck and sweating like a pig I figured I go ahead and buy some pine lumber for her potatoe/onion/bread bin. Instead, while talking to her (I can't do more than one thing at a time effectively) I drove on past the Lowe's cut-off.

Now at this point I could have simply turned around in a parking lot or on a side-street, but turning around would have involved me slowing down or even, heaven forbid stopping, and that would then make the air current in the window stop moving and I would die. See, I've got no A/C in the truck, because the bits alone will run a grand, and installation another grand or so, so as often as possible I ride the bike or take someone else's vehicle.

I end up driving to the local Sutherlands, a long story because I used to work there and HATE going into the place, their selection is poor and the place is FILTHY, but it's on the way home and I didn't want to stop for long so I walk into the lumber yard side, spend a fruitless half-hour searching through their wide selection of rocking-chair lumber, and salvage out two boards that I could possibly make work.

Loaded up my two sway-backed boards in the truck bed, and they're too long for the tailgate (and I refuse to lay something on the tailgate that will scratch the paint so I lay them one on top of each other beside the gas cans, and being 1' X 12" x 8' long I figure they're heavy enough to ride okay. Hah. Fool that I am, I blithely pull onto the highway and the top board decides to slide off into the highway. Right in front of a Sherriff's Deputy, who did nothing more than drive around it. I was utterly mortified. It is very rare that I lose loads, and when it happens it always makes me feel foolish for not having the smarts to properly secure said load, so there I am, leaping out of the truck to rescue it before the traffic light changes and people start racing toward me.

At some point about an hour later I arrived at the gas station to fill up the cans, and I took a few minutes to inspect the boards a little closer. Now I knew they were warped, but not how badly, or the heat taking out the incredibly high moisture content of the wood made them warp even more prominently, because the boards were soooooo warped and cupped that the top had about 1 square inch of surface contact, and the rest was up in the air, so the grain-on-grain friction was, well, nil.

At this point I'm a bit afraid of setting foot outside again, because my next stop, after lunch at the 'rents house will be to work on the poplar lumber I bought to restore the swing with, and then do some on the potatoe bin, and hopefully work on Vulgar Wizard's knick-knack display, and damned at this point if I think it might be more efficient if I just took the table saw and cut my own leg off with it, to save myself the difficulty of cleaning blood off half-done projects.

It's been a hell of a day.

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