There comes a time in every employee's life when he or she has to beg Upper Management for intervention on their behalf, be it for a late arrival, an extended absence, or a request for more staples. This event is usually stressful for the employee, as any interaction with The Powers That Be is usually couched by Them in a negative fashion (witness their frequent use of the word "no") and can often result in ulcers, dandruff, or the incipient death of the employee. It is with this in mind that I present this primer.
Begging At Work.
If you are still reading this, you have no doubt figured out that I had to beg at work today. This morning, to be precise, and the fact that I am blogging from work (a fact that you have to take my word on since I've since learned how to take off the automatic privacy warning thing at the bottom of all work emails) proves that my begging was successful, insofar as I am still employed at Very Very Big Home Health Care Company, Ink.
Let us use my morning's begging as an indication of how the prospective groveler should approach their boss when, for instance, they plan on being late one morning. My lateness involved a trip to the local DMV, which we all know can be traumatic.
Irrelephant (on phone): "Uhm, yes, good morning Miss Wizard, this is Irrelephant, I'm an employee in your office, I don't know if you remember me, we met once at the office Christmas party..."
Vulgar Wizard (The Boss): *grunt*
Irr: "Yes, well, you see, I'm sorry to bother you and I'm perfectly aware of The Very Very Big Home Health Care Company's policy concerning late arrival at work and that any deviation from the set schedule is punishable by a large fine and 60 days on probation, or immediate termination of employment at the manager's whim, but I really need to go to the DMV this morning and I'll be certain to be there half an hour early so that I'll be first in line and I can get out as fast as I can and I'll be certain to speed all the way back, ignoring any police officers and risking a ticket so I can arrive at my desk as fast as I possibly can."
Irr: "Oh thank you, most kind and benevolent mistress, She Who Hangs The Moon, Most Munificent...
I completed my business at the DMV in 7 minutes and sped back to work, to confront my boss, Vulgar Wizard, in the following manner:
Irr: *crawling on all fours to VW's door* "Oh most Understanding and Forgiving employer, I understand fully that this is my second late arrival in seven years, which is grounds for immediate termination, but I most humbly beg your forgiveness...*pulling out wad of paperwork*...I brought some supporting documentation to prove that I ws not doing anything untowards, here's my new registration and a receipt from the DMV and a bill of sale stamped by the DMV Comptroller and I have a notarized letter from my parish priest and a note from my mother which is co-signed by all four of my grandparents and a Presidential Stay of Execution and..."
Irr: "Oh please don't terminate me, I've got seventeen kids at home and a wife to support and it being Thanksgiving in two days I won't be able to buy a small meatloaf which I was going to shape into a turkey-shaped sort of shape and my youngest, Tim, we call him "Tiny" because he's got no arms, and well, he's got no legs either, and frankly he hasn't got a head, so he's really just a torso with a bib, but he really enjoys the holidays, we put him in his Gerbil Ball and he can roll around the living room and..."
Irr: "Oh thank you Most Understanding And Lovely And Gentle To Your Poor...."
Irr: *bowing and scraping out*
So you see, with a few carefully chosen phrases and an awareness of body postures you can turn any potentially harmful situitation into a positive and rewarding experience for everyone involved.