Nov 8, 2005

If I Ran The World

I know you've played this game, I think everyone, at some time in their lives, has. It often begins "If I..." with the addition of "...ran the world" or "...were god" or "...had five minutes with that barstard..."

You know how it's played, too. In the midst of a discussion, heated or otherwise, someone, fed up with the status quo, chirps "If I ran the world..." and off they go, telling how they'd clean up the environment and fix the economy and fire all the Senators. You've done it, you know you have.

I was thinking this morning that If I Were God, I'd have designed the human body a little better.

You know, just a few tweaks and fixes here and there, nothing crazy. Evolution has done a heck of a lot for us, putting our sensory organs up high, making our genders pretty obvious, and making us pretty dexterous little monkeys, well-suited for the most part for the lives we live.

I'd change a few things, tho.

The spine is in a cool place--it gives us structural strength, somewhere to hang all those ribs, and lets the head be at a commanding viewpoint to help guide the rest of the body. The only thing I'd like to do with it is strengthen those cartilage discs inbetween each bone in the column. Something with a little better shelf-life, like neoprene or polycarbonate, or maybe some sort of organic long-chain polymer plastic resin made by 3M.

External genetalia for men. This is gonna have to change. It's a dangerous design, leaving bits dangling everywhere for people to kick, scissor, or otherwise damage. I'm thinking perhaps somewhere behind the large intestine, tucked into a bone cavity, and sort of a retractable bone housing in front of the pelvis to allow egress. Something with a little safety designed in. OSHA I'm not, but any man who has ever had to cross a waist-high barbed wire fence knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Fingers. Ah, fingers. One of the finer designs on the human body, the only complaint I have is that they tend to suffer a lot of wear and tear, as well as all those joints that suffer from overuse, friction, age, the lot. I hate to say it, but tentacles with nothing but muscles inside instead of the whole bone-and-cartilage thing might be a better option. Increased flexibility, less friction between moving parts, and much more handy for getting down the sink drain to fetch back that dropped pearl cufflink.

The same goes for knees. They're a marvelous design, giving us the flexibility and extension we need for working all these legs, but honestly, they're the center for so much abuse and wear that they need to go. A muscle mass, perhaps, anchored top and bottom. Or, make the entire leg a single muscle with the option for musculature that can achieve much greater solidity than normal, thereby giving the strength to stand upright but the increased flexibility and increased operational service life that the longer human lifespan needs. It would certainly make horseback riding a more interesting pasttime.

And of course I'd have to get rid of those evolutionary throwbacks the appendix, the adenoids and the tonsils. And the tail. Or better yet, rid ourselves of the first three, and enhance the tail. Wouldn't that be cool, other than giving clothing designers the screaming fits? A handy chair whenever you need one. That extra hand you always wish you had when you've got your arms full of groceries and can't open the door. A counterbalance for when you get old and start that inexorable tilt forward. The perfect answer to the "I've fallen and can't get up" complaint. Prehensile, with perhaps fur to match the OEM equipment for protection from the elements, and again, no bones for breaking or wearing out, just muscle, sort of kangaroo-esque, only sexier.

I could go on, I really could, but my oatmeal calls me, and the rest of the optional equipment I leave to you. I could start you off with some of my personal extreme favourites, like extra-elastic joints and the ability to change colour at will, but I'd like to see what improvements you would make.

Carry on, Number 1!

1 comment:

Vulgar Wizard said...

Now, I'm waiting to see this in a drawing. You HAVE to draw the much-improved human body! I will not rest until it is done, number 1.

Snakes for legs, right? It'd work.