Jan 16, 2006

"I Can't Come In Today, I'm Dead"

That used to be my old excuse for a sick day, back when I was young and inexperienced, and unfamiliar with the difficulty inherent in having to follow up that line with "I'll be in tomorrow, day after tomorrow for sure." The resultant quiet on the line was always enough to break me, as well as the thought of how I might come up with a doctor's excuse for a personal death, and I'd end up going in to work with a hangdog expression and repentance in my heart. Until the next time I wanted to sleep in.

But with time came wisdom and sneakiness, and I have since engineered quite a few more excuses that not only are more believable but can be delivered with a certain aplomb that makes it easier to say things like "I'll be fine in the morning," "I'll see you guys first thing Monday am," or "The doctor's tell me that I won't lose any sensation in my fingers after they reattach the arm." So without further ado:

A few excuses you can use to call in with:

"I've got leprosy." This is a sure-fire winner in my book, having used it almost three dozen times in the past few decades. The symptoms of leprosy are so unfamiliar and the commoner's mind so full of nonsense concerning this disease that simply mentioning that you have it can often garner you anything up to a full month off with pay. Your symptoms can be described as anything from a mild fever to your extremities having fallen off. The only down side is that it is completely unusable if you work in any sort of medical environment. Also, sometimes angry supervisiors will require that you supply a digit or limb to prove the illness, or require you to show evidence of prosthesis, which can cause difficulties if you don't own a table saw.

"I've got *cough cough sniff*" This is an easy one to pull off on impatient or harried bosses. Instead of naming some specific disease, you simply speak in a soft, rough voice, and when it comes time to name your illness, simply insert a cough or other horrible lung-butter noise, thereby disguising anything you might have said ordinarily. The effect is better managed if you can make a few consonant sounds mixed in with the sound effects, thereby allowing your busy boss' overworked and strained imagination fill in the medical blank for you. The downside of course is that you actually have to have a diagnosis and symptoms handy if the boss isn't THAT busy or has no imagination to speak of.

"I'm vomiting." Far and away the best generic excuse disease, all you have to have ready is a rough voice with a desperate edge to it, as though to say "I've been vomiting all night, and I'm about to hurl again in just a few seconds, if you'd like to stick around you can listen to me heaving my guts out." This one works over all others because A) everyone alive has vomited at least once and has memories of how horrible it can actually be, and B) it's a common enough symptom that it has taken on the status of a disease unto itself. Works best if you have a portable phone and call from inside your tub or shower, as the echoes will make most people think you are calling with your head inside the toilet bowl.

Take these few excuses, mix them liberally with a little sincere but misdirecting truth such as "I really can't make it today," "I feel really bad about this," and the ever-green "Are you sure you guys can make it without me today?" and you'll have a shoe-in excuse for absences whenever you need them, be it a holiday you were scheduled to work through or that month in Aruba you were really looking forward to taking.

With a little forethought and a finger down the throat you too can be home free, enjoying the fruits of your labours.

4 comments:

Vulgar Wizard said...

Of course you realize that you can never ever ever call in again, right? You just totally blew it!

Signed,
the overworked boss.

Mickey Glitter said...

Thank you thank you thank you for a great laugh. I especially enjoyed the leprosy excuse! =)

Vulgar Wizard said...

Update . . . if you wretch in the restroom at work, your boss WILL send you home!

Did I spell wretch correctly? Probably not.

Irrelephant said...

Hah! Proof!

Take off the "w" and you got it. *S*