Apr 24, 2006

A Little Confused

To be quite frank with you, I don't know what's wrong with me.

The past week or so I've been in the most peculiar mood, or lack thereof. The best word I have been able to come up with is "flat." I feel flat. I don't feel particularly depressed, and trust me I know how it feels. I don't feel the usual light elation that I try to instill in myself, either. I feel disconnected from the world, like at some point I stepped through a door expecting to be in the kitchen but found myself in the middle of a forest. It's not unpleasant, but it is very confusing.

Actually it IS unpleasant, now that I am putting words to it. I don't like feeling this way. It almost feels like I'm about to come down with a flu or a really hard fever; I feel disjointed. Adding insult to injury it's a lovely day outside (perhaps because I'm not standing in the heat) and I really wish I were anywhere but here right now.

I woke up this morning wanting to do more, wanting to manage more than simply going to work and doing my job. I often think that my job would be best done and fulfilled if I could keep bringing order to my home, outside specifically. I spent all of the weekend trying to accomplish one small thing, but each time I took a step toward it I found a dozen more things I had to do before I got there, each tied into the goal in some ethereal but very real way, and that failure to accomplish very much always does me in.

I felt like a bug who, seeing the goal, realises that to actually travel the three inches to the end of the flower I'm going to have to take a detour from my position on the base of the flower all the way back down the plant and across half of the flowerbed before I can obtain the goal.

Yeah, that sort of week. I hope it's over soon, because I don't like it, not a bit.


The Ivory Pen said...

I worked on my pond, thinking of ways to perk your spirits. It didn't work. Mine are low as well.

kim-indiana said...

I read your blog each day and it helps to take me away from the cube walls. My Father lived in Pearl River, LA, I guess I relate that to you. Try something new to take you away from the grey days.Be creative. Something that you've never challenged yourself with before now. I built an outdoor space to escape.(low 70's here, no humidity)

Regal Monkey said...

i'd wondered where you'd gone... i hope things start to look up soon. all i can think is that you need some YOU time to get something accomplished. that always helps. connect with something you love, and tell the rest of the world to piss off!