Jul 12, 2006

From The Irrelephant Garden Notebook

Important note to self - certain vegetables and truck crops will, if given ample, soaking rainfall, plentiful sunlight, good soil, and a complete lack of gardners for a week will produce the following results:

Cucumbers. Cucumbers will, if left alone, produce fruit that is fully capable of pressing apart the wire in the fence that you used to hold them up off the ground for easy plucking. Also, fruit will become large enough that the fence will bend far enough to touch the ground. Perhaps cucumbers, upon reaching a certain mass begin to develop an instict to leave the parent plant.

Carrots. Planting carrots too close together will result in beautiful green tops which, when pulled, reveal a horrid, twisted mass of orange carrot bodies, crushed together in a viscerally uncomfortable single growth. Next time, plant carrots further apart.

Beets. See carrots. Unlike carrots, however, the closely planted beet fruits will simply press the smaller, weaker beets out of the ground, where they will lie wilting, piteously.

Corn. Corn is evil. Corn will grow some of the most bizarre looking things you have ever seen if left to it's own devices. Trust me on this one.

Eggplant. The adult eggplant er..., plant... will start off with a lovely little white flower. In one week it will grow something that looks amazingly like a Pod from Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (the 70's version, pods with less veins and more hair) except for the purple colour. When hanging underneath the lovely foliage this purple appendage will look alarmlingly like a Triffid. Unlike a Pod or a Triffid, or even the evil million-year-old plant monster from The Thing, when plucked the gigantor eggplant will not scream. Fortunate, that.

Bellpepper. A bellpepper plant is not very large, even when adult. If ignored for a week, the plant will produce about a thousand fruits, each of which will grow to astonishing proportions. Instead of supporting and nourishing these fruits, the adult plant will simply allow all it's limbs to break off, leaving the fruits to fend for themselves. Interesting parenting technique.

Squash. The ordinary yellow crookneck squash plant will, given a week, grow an appendage that most reminds me of the vine that the aforementioned Triffid uses to strangle people. It will place this horrid, flower-covered appendage in the closest row and wait for you to pick the overripe yellow fruit. It will then take this opportunity to lash out with the appendage and strangle you. I'm assuming this on the basis that we cannot find the neck of our scarecrow anymore.

Okra. When young, the tender okra spears will snap off the parent plant with a gentle twist. When okra spears get over five inches, however, certain changes take place. The stem becomes barklike and will repel any attempt to snap, pull, tug, or otherwise manually remove the spear. Sharp kitchen knives will barely sever this trunk-like growth. Reccomend using limb-loppers. Also, take extra caution, as the okra-spear becomes remarkably sharp at the tip, and an incorrect tug while cutting will lead to a very embarrasing impalement, especially if the spear point was held at or near chest-level. Note: leave spear in, because once you remove it bleeding occurs quite rapidly.

Roma Tomatoes. First note--no matter what Papa Irrelephant never used, ALWAYS use tomatoe cages. Place cages on BEFORE plants are four feet tall and resistant to being shoved into a 6" conical space. Second note--with enough rain, Roma Tomatoe plants will make so many Roma tomatoes that the plant will quite literally die in shame rather than try to hold that many ripe tomatoes at one time.

Papillion dogs. Papillion dogs, unlike what most people believe, will change instantly from friendly, quiet, clean lapdogs into Dirt Papillions. This means that they will immediately leap into any open, wet mudhole and roll around, they will leap from row to row scattering dirt and weeds everywhere, and will find the stickiest, nastiest plant they can and roll on it. A lot.

Final note to self: look into another hobby.


Nancy Dancehall said...

Now that I've stopped laughing...

Grrrrr....I'm so jealous...my garden is so far behind. All my squash plants have male flowers, I've got one sad little eggplant the size of my thumb, my corn looks like grass on 'roids, and the best pea-pickin' went undone 'cause I was in Illinois and I'm left with surplus seed for next year.

But you've given me an idea...

Irrelephant said...

The sad thing is that s'truth. The wonderful rain has made everying go MAD, and too muddy to walk out there.

My concern is this new "idea" of yours...are you going to start growing Pods?

Autumn said...

I hear you. My cucumbers exploded.