Oct 19, 2006

Zen And The Art Of....

Pfui. Not gonna rape THAT dead horse again.

I was thinking today. I know, dangerous as all get out. I've been warned before. Last time I dared think for too long I permanently damaged important bits of my thinking apparatus as well as blowing out the power grid of Trout, LA for a week straight.

I was thinking (gingerly,) as I wrapped up inventory for the quarter, pocketing a pack of benzoine swabs and a pair of purple nitryl surgical gloves (no longer sterile but they did fit) that came out of a damaged Tracheostomy Care Kit, that I was doing pretty well at building and maintaining my Motorcycle Roadside Emergency And Accidental Ouchie Kit.

You see, I realised a long time ago, back when I started riding bikes, that I did not have recourse anymore to a handy glovebox, under-seat storage, or back seat dumping grounds. If I wanted a tissue I couldn't just root under the passenger seat until I found one, and if I had to stop for a roadside...er...potty break, well then there'd be some of that tissue left, right?

Not so on a bike. Unless you're driving a BMW touring bike or a Goldwing or a Harley Fergusson with more luggage than Paris Hilton then storage is not extensive. And since I've rarely owned saddlebags and the pair I want for Betty will set me back $1600) I decided way back at that first bike to build myself an Extra Necessary Items For Emergencies Or Unforseen Circumstances Kit. Nothing big, nothing serious, and nothing expensive; small enough to fit in the under-seat storage compartment of my ride. And The Kit has come in handy more than a few times, and has been used in five different bikes and several four wheel vehicles (cages)in various and sundry (read: larger) forms.

The Basic Roadside Ouchie and Narsty Bang-Up Emergency 911 Kit starts with your bike's standard tool set, the fast-and-nasties that come with your machine. Keep that little vinyl bag of stamped tin tools because if you ever have to use it you'll be glad you've got it--plus, everything is fit to your bike, so smile. I always added a Gerber or Leatherman multi-tool, because they're compact and super nice and have a knife in there, too, in case you ever have to chop down a full-grown tree or stab a guy in Memphis.

Then comes the other stuff, the things you don't think about until you need them:

A plastic zip-lock bag. A) to dry store your registration papers and insurance card, but also it's B) a nice place to put your watch, your wallet, and any other water-perishable items when that unexpected rainfall comes. It's nice to stop at home and pull out the old billfold nice and dry, even if it IS empty as a whore's promise.

A few asprin in those foil packets. Got a headache and you're in the middle of freaking nowhere, as you're wont to do on a bike? Well then.

Two Sting Kill vials. Super small, and I can guarantee that if not already you soon will hit a wasp, bee, hornet or pterydactyl which won't die but will in fact fall deep into the recesses of your shirt, whereupon it will begin stinging you violently and repeatedly. A sting-kil vial is your friend. And if you're allergic? You might wanna consider that handy-dandy anaphylactic shock pen thing, too.

Band-Aids. The big kind, not those silly round ones that look like they're made to cover up moles. You never know when a spill or an errant tree branch or an off-course duck will leave you bleeding but not ready to stop. See next item--

Neosporin. Another foil-pack item, or you can get the super-tiny tube if you've got room to spare. Nice for a myriad of things, including duck-bill inflicted injuries.

Burn creme. Again, a tiny packet, easily lifted from your workplace's First Aid kit. Burns are one of the most likely things you'll get from a bike if you're working on it, and a big burn blister under your glove is really gonna cramp your throttling.

Twenty bucks. In the form of a ten, a fiver, four ones and four quarters. Twenty bucks should get you anywhere, including some gasoline and a can to carry it in. Also, the singles will fit in a vending machine and the quarters in a payphone while a twenty-dollar bill won't work in either, so keep it broken down.

One of those travel packs of Kleenex. And no, not for roadside colds, either. They compact down very small, and if you're very conservative can make it through several pitstops. If you've ever had to forage for a handful of leaves on the side of the road then you'll appreciate that tiny pack of heaven.

The rest of the items I adapt as the situitation calls for. When single, I carried condoms. Hey, don't laugh, they make great fanbelts. When married, I've been known to carry feminine hygeine products during certain phases of the moon. And during long treks into the redneck hinterlands I always carry a can of wintergreen dip, so that if I'm being pursued by hicks I can always toss it out behind me. I figure by the time they've all gotten a pinch between cheek and gums I'll be long gone.

So, your turn. Tell me what's in your glovebox.


Anonymous said...

A severed head that I stole from the office supply closet.

Anonymous said...

an asundry of papers, lighters, hopefully car insurance, a flower that lila made for me, and i think a tampon.


i am trying to get caught up on my reading on your blog, actually i think i am procrastinating.

btw, i am totally looking forward to december when i can see all of my peeps and get trashed.