Nov 20, 2006

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

Yeah, I know. I was never a big fan of that certain all-goil band, but hey, one of them turned out to be a beautifully elfin little dominatrix, so I guess they had SOMETHING going for them.

I'm on vacation. Had some use-it-or-lose-it time, running out of months, and running quite out of sanity and happiness, so I thought this might be The Time. It was sort of a last-minute decision, and I know that we're so tight right now that ANY absence of ANY employee is nearly crippling, but it was either that or start bringing a pistol to work, so I'm on vacation!

My biggest problem? Guilt.

Damned Catholic upbringing. Damned Protestant work ethic.

See, I get it from both sides. Mom was a genuflecter, Dad attended a tiny wood A-frame church in the woods. I feel wildly guilty if I'm not doing SOMETHING every second of the day. Okay, so I haven't felt THAT guilty in a long time, but it still lingers, ooooh, it still lingers. I've always felt the need to be doing something. Free time, or time with nothing planned is seen by my tiny, religion-soaked brain as wasted time. I should be DOING something, before I burn in eternal flames! It takes sheer exhaustion for me to stop most times, and once I get in the swing of working it's very hard to stop. An incense censer to the skull usually does the trick for bedtime.

What's that, VW? My office job? Yup, that's a little different. Between work duties and stress I find myself at the end of the week wanting to tear my own head off my neck so I can toss it in a deep lake. You know the feeling, I can see it in your eyes. Usually Monday morning, ongoing.

So. I'm on vacation. Got up at The Usual Time, did The Usual Morning Procedure (teeth, shower, moustache, dogs out to pee, shave) but suddenly it's way past time to clock in and I'm sitting here blogging. Freaking crazy. Eternal Damnation! Must be doing things! Why didn't I go to church Sunday?

What's worse than all that? I can already feel that odd tightening around my heart that tells me I need to be working on something--laundry needs hanging, the house already needs to be swept again, firewood needs to be split, and I've got a sizeable chunk of shop roof that I HAVE to repair before I do further damage to my rather expensive tools, and if I let my tools get ruined then I might as well just fall over dead. I was raised better than all that.

So what the hell am I doing here blogging? I've only got 7 more days free! AAAAAAUGH!



Well sweetie I would help with the shop roof, but I have the Granddaughter here off & on this week, but I will help if there is if there is anything I can do;


Anonymous said...

I used to feel the same way when I wasn't at work and should be, especially when I was sick, even though I was never Catholic (thankfully, and no offense). Lately, I feel RELIEVED when I'm not there, and you know all to well why. The guilt has been replaced with the dread of what I'll walk into when I go back to work, and I hate that. You will probably have a dose of that Monday morning thanks to the nurses' paperwork, which I could do nothing about, which you also know all to well.