Dec 6, 2006

The "Fun At Work" Dept:

Some emails, strained out by the My Big-Ass Home Health Care Company's filters. This email conversation seems to involve Employee Irrelephant's Urgent Desire to Inform Company Supply Management that the men's restroom Supply of C-fold towels had reached the loWEst quantity onHAND that is Safe To Maintain.


From: Irrelephant
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006 2:03 PM
To: Vulgar Wizard
Subject: It is

my solemn and sad duty to report to you on this date that we are, speaking as the sole surviving member of the My Big-Ass Home Health Care Company's Employee's Union, down to a total of three (3 (tres')) bundles, which is to say 'paper-wrapped' C-fold towels in the Men's (O->) restroom. This report is not taking into account any towels that might be located in the kitchen, the Women's (O+) restroom, or any in-transit shipments of said face-paper.

Hubcap J. Dvorak

-----Original Message-----
From: Vulgar Wizard
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006 3:06 PM
To: Irrelephant's Bum
Subject: RE: It is

Dear Hubcap,

I regret to inform you that there are presently no in-transit shipments, as My Big-Ass Home Health Care Company's Corporate Warlords have declared December a “no fly zone” for supply orders. Please feel free to replenish the men’s restroom with towels from the women’s restroom, and rest assured that they are estrogen-free.

Nova Scotia T. Barnum

-----Original Message-----
From: Irrelephant
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006 2:07 PM
To: Vulgar Business Office Manager Wizard
Subject: RE: It is

Thank you Ms. Barnum for your timely and informative response. I shall indeed begin taking liberal quantities of the estrogen-free women's towels at my earliest convenience. I find that their lavender scent is much more becoming to my bottom than is the more manly "Musk" scent that is often found on the men's room towels. Excuse me for TMI.


-----Original Message-----
From: Galactic Ultimate BoBo Ninja Vulgar Wizard
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006 2:10 PM
To: Irrelephant's Foolish Arsehole
Subject: RE: It is


I have become rather concerned about your use of towels on your bottom. We do supply all Union members with both bathroom tissue AND towels. We recommend that you do not use towels on your bottom as they will not be properly flushed into the sewer.

Thank you,

P.S. – Please alert Office Supply Management if you deplete the women’s towel supply to three packages.

-----Original Message-----
From: Penultimate Andor Genesis World-Crusher P. Diddy (Your Boss)
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006 2:15 PM
To: Irrelephant's Almost Fired Arse; Vulgar Wizard Ought To Know Better
Subject: RE: It is


Tremble in fear, mere mortals! The use of all C-fold towels (both Musk and Lavender scents) is now controlled by Me. You will be required to fill out Form MWZedFoxtrotRingworm832-A, C-Fold Hand Towel Requisition in triplicate along with an essay composed entirely on toilet paper to be no less than 1000 words on Why I Need A C-Fold Towel When Toilet Paper Works Almost As Well And Flushes Safely Into The Sewers. Only upon receipt of these items will I consider dispensing said C-Fold Towels, which cost The Company up to and including almost $.0035 EACH! This waste is unforgivable.

NOW! Return to your slave cubicles! File! Sort! Chart!

That is all.
Penultimate Andor Genesis World-Crusher P. Diddy, RN, Ph.D, PDQ, NPR, SPQR (Bristol) et al


Anonymous said...

If this person is so miserly, shouldn't it be "pencilultimate"?

Irrelephant said...

Oh, Stucco. Stucco, Stucco, Stucco. I expected so much more from you. Maybe Pants can save the day.

Anonymous said...

Hey! Cut me some slack! I'm sleep deprived and medicated. Plus, I may have coughed up a lung.

Although in hindsight, yes that was lame.

Irrelephant said...

I calls 'em like I see's 'em

Nancy Dancehall said...

Hey, I just fly by the seat of my Pants!

Keep in mind; waste not, want not.

Vulgar Wizard said...

Did he actually comment on this to you, or did you make this up all by yourself? Either way, that last letter is really entertaining. Incidently, if he said something, I will kick in his teeth, because he just made me drop $3775 of our "budget" on gadgets for the office.

Irrelephant said...

No, the entire last email was made up wholly out of smoke, mirrors, and stewmeat. All lies, cruel misdirection for the sake of a joke.

I'm so ashamed.