Jan 18, 2007

And I Ran

Remember the good old 1980's? When things were so uncomplicated? I wish I could go back there again, and everything would be the same. I've got a ticket to the Moo...no wait, sorry, that's ELO's Ticket To The Moon.

Where was I?

The 1980's. Some of my most formative years. I learned a lot about Life in the 80's. I was just turning 18, and for a naive kid from the sticks there was a lot to learn about, and a lot to become confused over.

Like sex.

Up until the 80's I thought I had sex pretty well figured out. Tab A into slot B, who leads while tangoing, and I had read enough Cosmo and Redbook to know pretty much what a woman wanted from, well, everything.

And then along came the 80s, and along came MTV, and I was a ship without an anchor. Suddenly, sex was no longer simply foreplay, etc. No, according to the videos that I was watching, sex suddenly seemed to require exotic women, bizarre locales, paint, white horses running along foggy beaches, and a very extensive wardrobe which consisted mainly of slippers and pastel-coloured linen suits. Oh, and a Ferrari. Alternatively, I could score only if I wore psychotically-coloured spandex, had bleach blonde hair three feet in all directions, was disturbingly gender non-specific and had a pair of dark green Jaguars.

Keep in mind that at the time I couldn't even afford a Member's Only jacket or a pair of parachute pants. I didn't wear Izod, and I hated popped collars. I seem to recall resorting to my mainstay in clothing--loose T-shirts in a variety of basic colours and several pairs of red-tab Levis. I think the only concession to fashion I ever made was a brief flirt with a pair of hi-top Ponys, and that's because they were all I could find.

And then the 80's left me, mullet-headed, one ear pierced ("left is right, right is wrong") and quite frankly somewhat dazed and confused. What's worse, I don't think I ever got right again.

6 comments:

Stucco said...

Did you ever have the hiking boot with red laces, jeans, and untucked pinpoint oxford cloth dress shirt look? I was guilty of that one...

Irrelephant said...

Okay, you got me. I never did the oxford shirt, but I wore the ever-loving hell out of a pair of Hi-Tek Magnums which at several points in their life had red laces. There were times I even went so far as to tie a red strip of cloth around one knee joint, ala' very early U2.

"Hello, my name is Irrelephant, and I'm a child of the 80s."

Nancy Dancehall said...

1985 by Bowling for Soup. That song's about me.

Scott from Oregon said...

I graduated in 81, and felt I was on the cusp of the whole eighties experience because someone gave me a haircut in 79 I didn't ask for...

I left the US in 82 and was gone for almost ALL of it, thank god! I missed the all night coke parties and the Izod crap. I basically got reaquainted with America in 1990 and have worn either paint stained sweat pants, or paint stained sweat pants ever since...

A mullet? Please, say it ain't so!

Scott from Oregon said...

Wonderful post BTW...

I loved a flock... And blondie... and depeche mode... and Midnight Oil

Loved the part about the beds all burning!

Irrelephant said...

Scott, alas I was led astray onto the mullet path by, yes, a woman.

Nancy--we're quite a gang, aren't we? *grin* Us poor, lost children.