Mar 19, 2007

What Is It With This God Person Anyway?

I posit it to you that God does not exist, or is asleep at the wheel, or is a drunken grandmother who can't keep track of Her meds and is always taking too much Valium, and this proof is, currently, spread all over the parking lot at my office.

Junebugs.

Our parking lot is littered every morning with, quite literally, hundreds of golden-brown June bugs. All of them upside down.

What gives, God? I mean, I've watched these lovely little things pretty closely--it's hard not to when you want to avoid tracking them inside as yellowish goo on the soles of your shoes. Do you realise that THEY CAN'T WALK? I mean, they can, but usually only for very short distances. Like, three inches or less. Anything more and their completely out of sync legs simply tip them over onto, and this is the clincher--THEIR ROUND BACKS.

Okay, let's look at this. Round = good balance point. Rollie Pollies are round, and when threatened they roll up. When they open up again, sometimes they're upside down, but this is easily rectified by them being able to open their bodies to a slightly obtuse angle, thereby making them rock to one side or the other, whence their legs and their slightly convex shape makes them flip right-side up. There are thousands of cases in nature where animals, fallen onto their backs, simply unstick their horns from the ground or leap out of the boat or grab hold of a passing aborigine and flip themselves right-side up. Except the turtle, but that's another gripe.

So. You've got a beetle that's apparently better at flying than it is at walking. And DAMN I hope it's a good flier, because if it can't fly well either then it's a completely miserable wanking little waste of exoskeleton material. I mean, what do they DO? What GOOD are they? What are they FOR? Other than to land on our parking lot by the billions and then lie there on their backs, flailing their useless little legs in the air in a very un-skilled, un-helpful manner until I get sick of the sight of all that failed insectoid design and take a broom and sweep the entire parking lot's worth of goldish, hard-shelled critters (gently, so as to not kill anyone) into the grassy verge.

At which time some of them DECIDE TO RETURN TO THE PARKING LOT, THERE TO FALL ONTO THEIR BACKS AND FLAIL THEIR LITTLE LEGS IN THE AIR SOME MORE!!!!

So look--you've got all that shell, right? And inside is, I can only assume, a whole collection of yellow guts just waiting to pop out and stain the entrance carpet. So why don't you just design some sort of organic gyroscope and stick it in there with all those icky bits and let evolution take care of itself. I would think that survival of the fittest combined with an organic uprighting thing mechanism balance don't-fall-over bit would pretty quickly assert itself as the rightful, nay, more EFFICIENT way of doing things, replacing the older, outmoded, v1.0 model.

Get it together, God. I'm tired of sweeping your creatures around.

5 comments:

Stucco said...

And don't get you started on slugs, eh?

Scott from Oregon said...

Not only that, but they are out in March.

Irrelephant said...

Hey, both of you guys have Banana Slugs, don't you? HEH. Better you than me.

Nancy Dancehall said...

Ir, darling, God is...oh, nevermind, I'll just send you a manuscript. It'll explain everything, even the junebugs and their plight.

No, it's not Scientology. lol

Irrelephant said...

You know, Nancy Dancepants, you keep threatening me with this so called manuscript, but I have yet to see the first double-spaced left-justified page. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps you're one of those crazy people locked in a snow-bound hotel in Colorado, and you're going to present me with a ream-sized box of paper, each page covered in:

"ALL SNOW AND NO SUN MAKES NANCY A DULL GIRL"

Thousands upon thousands of times over, in different patterns.