Jun 28, 2007

An Open Letter, or, Scent Of A Woman

Dear Stinky Grotesquerie-

Perfume, like spandex, is not a right--it is a privilege.

When I saw you drive up, I thought I caught a whiff of something dead in the air. When you opened your car door, I did whiff something; you, covered in Eu de Too Much, Too Late. I could smell your perfume through a closed glass door. And when I saw how much of you there was to overuse perfume on I realised right then that I was in trouble. Odiferous trouble.

When you opened that front door the delicate scent of One Week In A French Whorehouse Without A Working Bathroom got through that opening like a snake striking, and had about the same impact on me. I reeled, I spun, I went down for the count. That stuff was nasty, and to say that you were liberal with it is like saying that the ocean is a little moist. It was like being hit in the nose with a lilac sledgehammer. You need to stop. When I can smell you from four offices down with the A/C blowing full tilt then you've overdone it a little. It's gotten out of control, like your scent-drowned bulk.

In short, stop buying your perfume in the gallon economy size from Wal-Mart, and stop drinking it, douching with it, and using it for conditioner. I can assure you that it's only making your already manky self even more grotesque.

(the guy who for one solid week made loud gagging noises four offices away while you worked in our office.)


Stucco said...

Lilac Sledgehammer sounds like a girl-metal band.

Jean said...

Could be Avon eau de toillettes... any of their 'fragrances' are like roto-rooter for sinuses. Poor guy.

What makes this post even funnier is the contrast between it and the one immediately preceding!

Irrelephant said...

Stucco, how about I give you full rights to the name, and you just pay me 5% of anything you make off it.

Jean, I just realised that. *lol* I have a bad habit of half-starting posts and saving them as drafts, sometimes for months, then I drag them back out and finish them when I've got a quiet spot. And I'm sure somewhere deep down ole' girl had some genuinely good characteristics, but my stars and garters she STANK!

meno said...

Sat next to this woman last time i went to the theater. I could TASTE her perfume, and the underlying cigarette smell.


Irrelephant said...

Oh sweet stars and garters, Meno, don't get me started on theaters...I'm about ---><--- THIS close to swearing off ever stepping foot in a movie theater again. And yes, there's been a post brewing about it, too, so Don't Touch That Dial!

Vulgar Wizard said...

No, she had no underlying good characteristics, only more stankiness.

I laughed my ass off reading this one. Now THESE are the kind of posts I can relate to . . . I don't suppose it has anything to do with the fact that I work in the same office?