Aug 24, 2007

Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Monitor

As always, Corporate sends down daily emails to every employee that really only apply to about three people out of the multiple of thousands that now work for us. This one, upon popping into my In box set me off on such a jag that I have to share it.

Here's the important exerpt: "...FDA approves these electrodes. The vendor, Alternative Electrons, has been set up by Purchasing. The ordering..."

“Alternative Electrons.” What an excellent name for an electronics company. I can just see the commercial now:

Alternative Electrons Commerical 1A:

VOICE-OVER: "Do you have electron needs? Why settle for plain old regular electrons when you can have (EMPHASIS) Alternative Electrons!"

ESTABLISHING SHOT, SLOW PAN IN BLACK AND WHITE: a 1950's-style laboratory, five serious-faced SCIENTISTS in white short-sleeved shirts with black ties and buzz cuts wearing huge black-framed glasses stand around bubbling retorts, several make notes on clipboards. Huge banks of dull silver machinery with blinking lights and whirring tape reels and lit buttons line the walls. Complicated racks of glass vials, rubber tubing and stainless steel rods with electricity arcing between them stand on solid tables in the middle of the room.

V-O: "We here at (EMPHASIZED) Alternative Electrons (NORMAL VOICE) are always looking to advance the causes...”

EXTERIOR SHOT IN COLOUR: stock footage of massive rocket taking off in huge cloud of smoke and fire, then crashing in a fantastic fireball.

EMPHATIC V-O: “...of Science!

INTERIOR OF CROWDED ROOM: Wires run in every direction. Vacuum tubes glow, and a pale line oscillates across a round green glass monitor set in one machine. Smoke wafts through the air. SCIENTIST in white lab coat and huge magnifying lenses suspended over his eye is carefully removing what appears to be an enormous roach from a mass of wiring and tubes in the rear of a computer, using a pair of foot-long tweezers.

V-O: “Highly trained individuals labour around the clock in our ultra-sterile underground laboratories!”

WIDE ANGLE SHOT: Many lab-coated men arguing over a large cage filled with white chickens who mill about, scratching at the floor of the cage. JUMP SHOT TO CLOSE UP: SCIENTIST IN LAB COAT shoves a huge yellow-handled screwdriver into what seems to be a 1952 Studebaker engine block which has glowing yellow tubes running in and out of it and strange round flanges attached to the front.

SUBLIMINAL FLASH: “sex food woman desire” in 48 point Impact font, white on black.

V-O: "We have hundreds of highly trained men adept at putting screwdrivers into things!"

TIGHT CLOSE-UP: SCIENTIST, lab coat buttoned all the way to his neck. SCIENTIST scowls with concentration, huge black-rimmed goggles cover his eyes. Sweat drips from his forehead.

V-O: "Turning them!"

SUBLIMINAL FLASH: “buy now” in 36 point Impact font, white on black.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP of SCIENTTIST, twisting screwdriver to stopping point, then laughing maniacally, arms raised in a very Fascist meeting gesture, waving the screwdriver around.

V-O: "And adjusting them!"

SUBLIMINAL FLASH: “obey” in 60 point Impact font, white on black.

CLOSING SHOT: FAST ZOOM on the AE logo, a very stylized sphere with three electron orbits drawn around it in black, the middle composed of a sharply erratic line.

V-O: “Alternative Electrons – for all your electron needs!”

STILL SHOT ON AE MOTTO: "Alternative Electrons--Forcing You Head First Into The Future, Whether You Want To Be There Or Not!"

I can't wait to start filming.


Nancy Dancehall said...

I can't wait to watch! lol

Maggie said...

That's better than most commercials (even ahem Super Bowl commercials) I've seen in ages.

Irrelephant said...

Nancy, Maggie, I'll be sure and have my people call your people for the pre-release party. *lol*

Stucco said...

I insist on imported electrons. In metric. Without artificial valences.

Cheesy said...

I can't wait for the video!

Vulgar Wizard said...


JustCallMeJo said...



(Do alternative electrons exist in alternative electron shells? )

(Does that means we have alternate atoms?)


Irrelephant said...

Stucco, are those the left-hand thread models? Those are NICE, wot?

Cheesy, I think I'm going to post it on U238Tube, that new Uber Science Geek video sharing site.

VW, careful there, you might burst an O ring.

Jo, I'll have to look into that for you, I'm just the Idea Guy. Oh, and the one thing that EVERYONE needs, a MAWG. Middle Aged White Guy.