Aug 15, 2007

You're Next! You're Next!

Kids, I'm worried. Deeply, insanely, chewing on my toenails worried.

I've been given a Pod.

No, not that kind of Pod you ninnyhammer, I mean the other kind of Pod that blanks out your brain and makes you walk around with a vacant expression. A POD.

See, my friends know I garden. It's hard NOT to know I garden, because I'm always begging people to take produce home with them when they stop by. (See, I was going to make some lewd comments about people handling my melons and pulling on my peppers but I didn't. I CAN be couth.) And so I'm sure it was using this habit of mine as cover that some dear friends of mine decided to give me a Pod.

What really worries me is that, well, to protect her former living existence I'll call her Pod Queen, had her hubby Shao bring it by the house one afternoon while I was at work. I get home that evening to find a neat little white paper baggie with PQ's girly handwriting on the front telling me to "...plant bud-side up" and that it "...makes squash-like fruit." And then a cheerful "Enjoy!" across the bottom. Foolishly I didn't expect anything out of the ordinary (henceforth to be known as Mistake Number One) but when I reached into the bag the first thing I feel is a sort of BRAIN texture, wrinkly and sort of cool to the touch. I haul the thing out (henceforth to be known as Mistake Number Two) and I see THIS.

A Pod.

Okay, so what was I to think? I mean, it looks alive! And it's way too big for a normal seed... I mean, what is it going to grow? I'm seriously afraid that my friends have become Pod People and that this is their first outward reach toward sending out thousands of Pods to turn others to their overlord's world domination push. I mean, I didn't THINK they were Communists, but you never know do you? He IS a cop, after all, and aren't they all Fascists?

So here I sit with a Pod on my kitchen table that refuses to do anything but sit there and glower at me and try to send tendrils of insinuation that I need to go plant it somewhere dark and cool like under my bed, and tomorrow morning everything will be fine! And it won't rot, either. In this damp Louisiana air everything that doesn't have a thick coat of shellac on it molds nearly instantly, so why has this thing been literally unchanged for a month now? I've taken to locking it in a fire-proof safe at night until I know more about it.

I asked Shao about it as innocently as I could, trying to get him to make some sort of fatal mistake, screw up somewhere and admit that he's planted some extra-terrestrial plant-based lifeform in my kitchen but thus far no luck on that count. I DID get him to admit that they got it from her mom, who got it "from a little old Cajun lady." Now that alone smacks of more voodoo jive and mumbo jumbo than I can possibly shake a feathered rattle at. I KNOW what those wrinkled up little Cajun women get into in the bayous and swamps of sout' Luziana, and ain't NONE of it good, che'. I'm wondering if maybe this thing is some sort of alligator's chaudron wrapped in a nutria intestine with a variety of hallucinatory herbs and some crawfish boil rubbed on it, all of which will help Papa Legba or Baron Samedi turn me into a loa so they can walk the earth and wreak all sorts of evil.

Or maybe it's just some sort of deep swamp plant that will bear some sort of evil fruit that will erase my mind when I eat it one of it's alluring fruits. Granted that doesn't sound too bad at all. Or worse, will it grow this sort of fakey-looking trumpet flower thing with giant air-brushed foam leaves that will evilly turn toward me and explode spores into my face that make my careful Vulcan emotional control go all whack and have me hanging from tree branches reciting poetry...wait, that was a Star Trek episode.

Still, can't be too safe.

People of Earth, and everyone within the sound of my the gardens!


meno said...

I say plant it. Maybe it will grow the rest of the woman.

Irrelephant said...

Meno meno meno. If you look carefully in the body of the post, you'll see where I wrote "I mean, it looks alive!" I had originally written "It looks vaginal!" but I said to myself "Self, you know you really don't need to go for the cheap, easy jokes and you know damn well Scott is going to say something about f'ing a seed if you drop the V-bomb," so I changed it.

And then you walk in and show me the elegant, circuitous way to say it.

My stars and garters you're good!

Nancy Dancehall said...

*catching breath* Ok just made me scare my almost-sleeping child with my laugh. From halfway across the house. Ir, my laughing at your post is what woke him.

Don't become a zombie on me. No Cheval Paul please!!!

Scott from Oregon said...


You can grow vaginas?

Wait right there...

Stucco said...

Boil and eat it, I say.

Irrelephant said...

That's why I'm leaving it in the fire safe for now, Nancy. I like my febrile, faulty mind just like it is. Granted I already lurch around a lot and moan incessantly, so I may already BE a zombie.

Scott, the ground here is so rich you can leave an axe handle on the ground overnight and the next morning it'll have grown a hickory tree. Now if I could get about thirty nubile girls to squat on my garden one evening.

Stucco, you boil it first before you eat it? Angels and ministers of grace protect us, what does Schmoop have to say about that?

Anonymous said...

I found out what it is! It's a mexican pear. It's in the vegetable family. Although I call it the "labia seed".

Have fun!!!

Pod Queen

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Listen Jack,

Plant your beanstalk and watch it grow... it can't be worse than anything else growing in Luziana (by the way, my Arkansas brother-in-law gave me elocution lessons to teach me how to say that correctly... took me a while...) so I say go for it!
Live on the edge!

Scarlett & Viaggiatore (the lion)

Irrelephant said...

PQ, now it's a freaking PEAR? What sort of trouble are you getting me INTO here? I'm SO going to wake up tomorrow morning replaced by a soulless, vacant Pod Person.

S & V, you know I'm gonna, because you're right. Once you've killed a water moccasin in your back yard the world is never quite as safe as it used to be. *grin* And btw, nice job on the enunciation! Ya'll sound jus' lahk one uh us!

Maggie said...

Ok the best part for me is that I was thinking just what you smarties were - that's a vulva. My second thought scared the beejeebus out of me because I thought, "that looks large enough to house a whole army hoard of spiders - evil and ugly at the same time". Lastly, I hope you do plant it and give us all the glorious pictures along the way - even when they take over your body and weird sprouts come out of your ears and strange oozing fluids leak from your body.

Mickelodeon said...

Seriously, I can't even see the picture of Spock for the visual of Donald Sutherland in one of the last scenes in "Invasion of The Body Snatchers," where he's screaming that terrible pod-person scream.

And now I want to pop that DVD in and rewatch it...

Nancy Dancehall said...


Cheesy said...

Maybe the rest of an old Cajan lady will seem to be fingering the naughty parts of her..... :o)

Irrelephant said...

Maggie, I promise I shall, right up to the oozing fluids bit. My fluids and their oozing or not is entirely private and I promise you, not fit for public consumption.

Mick, you're right...gahd. *lol* Tho I keep seeing...oh, what's his name, the star of the first, stabbing that almost-formed pod person in the face with a pitchfork.

Nancy, I agree wholeheartedly.

Cheesy! That's why it was so dang wrinkled and cold. *violent shivers* Oh gods I feel so dirty.

Vulgar Wizard said...

Now, see, that's the first thing I thought when I saw it . . . looks like a va-jay-jay to me. Sick, dood.

The Tamster is part coon-ass, ask her what it is...