Oct 7, 2007

I Do It To Myself

Heh. I thought that'd get your attention. And while blogging can be all about ego stroking this post is going to have very little of the masturbatory quality about it. Unless you're turned on by my writing, in which case I'm terribly thankful and would strongly urge you to let your therapist know this, because your dosage needs to be increased.

My daughter had her 13th birthday party this weekend, a little early of the actual event. It's hell when your birthday lands on a school day. Me, I wanted to be the good dad and help make her entrance into her "teens" (I still break out in a cold sweat when I realise she's crossed THAT boundary) memorable so I decided that it'd be fine if she invited four (and no more than four) of her girlfriends from school over for a sleepover.

Yeah, I know. But it's her thirteenth, and that only comes once. So, I bit the bullet, and had my therapist increase my dosage.

I spent Wednesday through Saturday morning helping to prepare the gates for the barbarians. I cleaned house. Made sure there were enough places to sleep. Layed in what I thought was lots of food for the little 'uns, that sort of thing. Lots of clean sheets, plenty of soda and chips and dip, and a clear guideline from the financial overseer as to how much could be spent at the party store on decorations, how many movies (PG-13!) could be rented for the evening, and very clear instructions that I had to wrap presents. I'm still trying to figure out how THAT got in there, but there it was, the turd in my punchbowl.

Honestly? Knowing I had to face five (it ended up being three plus mine) teen girls overnight wasn't as frightening as knowing I had to gift wrap five books, two T-shirts, a bookmark, a poster, and three CDs. I was given a tape dispenser, two bows, a roll of electric green ribbon, a pair of scissors, one gift bag with tissue paper and two rolls of wrapping paper. I asked for but wasn't allowed Super Glue, duct tape nor a ripsaw. My loss.

The party was due to start at 4 on Saturday afternoon. This salient feature was clearly stated on the invites. So of course girls start showing up at 2, and all I can hear from the driveway is wheels spinning out from vans and SUVs roaring off down the street. So there I was in the bedroom, struggling to wrap presents (there's a reason white men aren't rappers) and...well, I got them wrapped without stuffing them all into the gift bag and ribboning the entire thing shut, let's just put it that way. And I didn't once rely on my staple gun.

And you know, for all my terrors and night-sweats leading up to the party it wasn't half bad. They scared the ever-living bejeebus out of the Pizza Hut guy at the drive-through pick up window. They picked out movies in Blockbuster in about seven seconds flat, and while I did hear more giggling than any man my age should be presented with they were astoundingly well behaved, fairly quiet (it was kept to a dull roar) and even though they stayed up until two this morning I was awakened at 7 not by the howls of fire truck sirens or the howls of a dog being carefully fed into the toaster but the quiet rustling of my daughter moving around her room picking up empty soda cans and candy bar wrappers. Utterly amazing.

I just want to say this, though: DAMN little girls can eat. I have never seen so few girls eat so much food. They drank 30 sodas, ate two medium supreme pizzas, an entire bag of Hershey's miniatures, a 10 count box of Pop Secret popcorn packs, a bag of Tostitos and two large jars of dip, most of the birthday cake, one of the cats and an entire can of my pipe tobacco. Well, okay, so I may be stretching it a bit on the sodas, but the rest? Gawd's own truth. I've never seen anything go through food like that, not even boys that age. Do parents FEED their children any more?

I'm glad thirteen only comes once. Now all I have to worry about is the first boyfriend, the first breakup, her first car, her first day at high school, her first day at college, and...

Oh gods shoot me now.


Joan of Argghh! said...

Just treat your Princess more royally than any other man can hope to.

And she'll still go and kiss frogs!

Fasten your seatbelt, Mister.


Mickelodeon said...

Sounds like your daughter had a wonderful birthday!!

Happy birthday, little Irr. =)

Sarcastica said...

HAHA oh man if my dad had a blog, this is what he would write!

meno said...

You are a hero. My idea of hell is a child's birthday party.

They are rather like a hoard of locusts aren't they?

Irrelephant said...

Joan, so I should give up now? *lol* Ye gods, the brochures never tell you about this sorta thing.

Mick, I hope she did, and I'll be happy to pass along the best wishes. *S*

Sarcastica, you need to elbow him in the ribs until he joins the Modern Age! Everyone's expected to have a blog, it's the only way the Gubberment can really keep tabs on us all, and besides, it's good for the pancreas.

Meno, they ARE! I mean, one of them is one of those stick figure urchin children, built like a hand rail and thin as a whore's promise, but I sat and watched her put away SIX slices of thick-crust Supreme and drink a root beer like she was eating a handful of popcorn. I had to check the floor behind her afterwards to make sure she didn't have some sort of direct tube that dumped the contents of her stomach out before it got a chance to start digesting.

Mona Buonanotte said...

I have dreams of eating an entire bag of Hershey miniatures...and not going into the inevitable sugar coma and diabetic seizure.

Sounds like your daughter has great responsible friends. And that shines well on you, dad!

Schmoopie said...

I can't wrap presents worth a damn either! I use all gift bags when saddled with the task.

Sounds like fun was had by all! I had to laugh at the amount of food they can eat. Our daughter is 11 and we have to understand, if we give her (and the 1 or 2 friends she has over) any type of snack, it will be totally consumed. She and her friend put away 4lbs of grapes the other day. It was an amazing site!

Nancy Dancehall said...

lol...I used to be the pipe cleaner girl. Not anymore. Ahem.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Happy Birthday to her!

Glad it went well.
You forgot to worry about the sweet 16 party.
One of my friends went through a year in middle school during which she wore nothing but black and stayed in her room the whole time; didn't speak to her parents at all.
For a YEAR. And then one day she just put something else on and walked out like it was the next day.

Here's to no black...

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Maggie said...

I was reading your list of the food they ate with ever widening eyes. Intently wondering how in the name of Spaghetti Meatball's Green Earth I would be able to feed three teenagers and then, I read 'one of the cats' - ROFL, you got me good.

Seriously, it sounds like it was an awesome party. Keep your eye on the girls, if any of them start making strange gollum like noises and wagging their heads back and forth, a really really big furball might be coming out...

Batgirl said...

OMG...I actually had a flashback to when I was 13...(Was it really 13 years ago)? Weird...but I remember having friends over and demolishing everything edible that presented itself. Man, could we put it away. Don't ask me where we kept it. I'm glad you survived it, and BRAVO on having trained your child so well. I think it's amazing she actually started cleaning on her own!

Irrelephant said...

Meno, I'm the first to go digging for the Special Dark. Ye gods, sex in a foil wrapper. Imagine my horror and dismay to find that the biggest of the four also knows about Special Dark. I had one. *weeping openly*

Schmoop, it's astounding, isn't it? I mean, they never slowed down! It was like watching sharks devour a school of tiny fish.

Nancy, I'm sure you've still got your girlish figure, you're just being misled by stuff like America's Next Top Anorexic and all that guff.

Scarlet, a YEAR? Oh gods. I'm thanking my lucky stars that the most offensive she wants to be is to wear the cuter level of Happy Bunny t-shirts and big earrings. I hope black nail polish never sees the light of day in this house. *s*

Maggie, they actually did eat all but the cat and my tobacco. I've never seen the like. And thus far mine has been pretty hairball free...as for the rest? *snort* Not my concern. *lol*

Batgirl, I don't think it's so much my training. Honestly, I have to get her shoved in the right direction to do laundry and clean her room, but that morning? Beats me. I guess she was afraid she'd miss out on more presents if I tripped on soda cans and candy wrappers. *lol*