Feb 19, 2008

I've Decided

That's it. It's settled. I've made my mind up and will be making every effort in this new direction until my goal is achieved or I've exhausted every resource and every iota of my life force in obtaining it.

I need backup singers.

I need three women in matching but subtly different gowns whose only job will be to follow me around everywhere I go, stand behind me in a half-spot and perform do-wops, ooh-ooh-wahs and otherwise sing wordless vocals. I need three backup vocalists to add contrast, to give counterpoint to the mood I'm laying down. I require Wailers to my Bob Marley. Give me some Heartbreakers to match my Tom Petty, a handful of The Gang to supplement my Kool.

Let's face it--I'm looking for a few good Pips.

14 comments:

Gordo said...

Irrelephant and the Trunks?

Jean said...

Ticklin' the Ivories?

Scott from Oregon said...

You know the chick that wails on Dark Side Of The Moon?

I want to fuck her.

Mona Buonanotte said...

So, do I need to fill out application, or what?? I'm hella good at Wordless vocals!

Joan of Argghh! said...

I have sung backup on a Jazz album. Gospel Jazz, the Good Stuff, y'know.

I have quite a bit of spare time, too...

Maggie said...

I cannot carry a tune. But I could maybe choreograph the backup singers.

Irrelephant said...

Gordo, Jean, looks like I'm going to have to put both of you on the payroll, perhaps as "Creative Consultants." Now all I have to do is get a payroll going.

Scott, I'm not sure what you mean; you're being awfully subtle there. I just watched a documentary on VH-1 that was talking all about DSoTM, talked to that background singer (now in her 60s) and so forth--pretty cool stuff. She hadn't even been given any direction, just sort of stuck in the recording booth with a headset and a playback.

Mona, I'll need a photographic portfolio in colour and b&w, a full resume, two different solo vocal tracks on CD and three former employer references.

Either that or just let me know what size slinky black dress (with sequins) you wear and send me $12.50 in small bills and you're hired.

Joan, you have spare time in between selling pieces of art to uptight, rude Jersey natives? Wow! You're in too, no doubt! Now all we gotta do is find one more. I wonder if we can get Meno or Nancy to sign up?

Irrelephant said...

Maggie, you snuck in on me, ommenting while I was responding! Choreography, eh? I was thinking about that, all the subtle hip-swings and little dance-in-place moves that really make the difference between three women yowling into microphones and three Sirens with alluring sensuality. You're in!

You know you're gonna have to watch Mona pretty close, though--she's taking that belly-dancing class, she's liable to go out of control first thing.

Mona Buonanotte said...

Dude, I'm already out of control!

Your requirements are stiff...how about I just whisper something snide and slightly dirty in your ear and you can judge THAT??

meno said...

shoop shoop, do wah do wah, chiga boom chiga boom.

Shoop shoop.

I've got nice pips.

Irrelephant said...

Mona, you've got a deal. Whisper away!

Meno, you've got excellent rhythm! Are you Catholic? And I must say that your pips are very highly spoken of in certain circles.

Stucco said...

Yes yes yes- but who will do the drum solo? And fuck the cowbell.

Oh, and Scott- do you also want to fuck the lady that sang the vocals on the original Star Trek theme? How about a nice yodeler?

Nancy Dancehall said...

Oh, oh, me me me!! Please!!!!! You KNOW I'm there! You like The Pretenders, right? I sing like Chrissie.

Oh and Stucco, the 'lady' in Star Trek was a theramin! *snort*

Vulgar Wizard said...

WTF, dood?