May 1, 2008

Poetry Friday: I

Mona has served up some self-referential Poetry Friday, and me, I's not sure where to go with it. Damn you, Mona! Just like a woman--half the time it's smooth sailing, and half the time it's a struggle against the very forces of Nature.

Okay, so I've been rolling this around in my head for several hours now, and still haven't come up with anything earth-shattering, anything with a "Wow!" factor, and certainly no Pucker Factor.


Roight. Here we go. Enough fiddling about.

Blogging is, by it's very existence, a shout of self. "I wrote this, pay attention to me!" I blog, therefore I want people to pay attention to me. I am, however, a somewhat introverted person, a quiet person. I tend to strip most of the really personal stuff out of here, or else cover it in such a garish overlay of silliness that you'd have to read pretty hard and with a pretty big grain of salt to find the core of truth in it. So, (some) full disclosure forthcoming, in the form of a whole lotta "I" statements.

I am sensitive. Wildly so. When I was a very small kid the sight of another child crying would make me cry. I'm still this way, tho not quite THAT bad. A very elderly patient called this morning to get some help sorting her meds out. She was distressed because she couldn't find her fifth prescription bottle, and started crying on the phone. It tore my heart out.

I won't, however, ever go back to the "mood stabilizers." I'd rather be near-suicidally depressed and manically high at times than a soft, puddingesque "okay" all the time. That's not living, that's zombiehood.

I publically and proudly profess that I do not believe in any god. This is true. My Catholic upbringing, however, was hammered in so deeply that even in the midst of my most certain moments I still think "Crap, what if I'm wrong?"

I think more than one sexual partner at the same time is highly over-rated and way too hyped by the pr0n industry. In my time I've been treated to several encounters with two partners and once, very briefly, to three partners and honestly all I could think about every time was "How do I make sure everyone gets a fair share?" I'm the sort of person who can only make one person happy at a time, sorry.

I often feel powerless. I don't know if this is a feature of my society as a whole or of my own sense of self, but when I can't fix something that is either within or beyond my control it irks the ever-loving shit out of me. By nature I'm a fixer. An unskilled one at that, but a fixer nonetheless. When I can't fix it I feel like another f word--"failure."

I used to be terrified of the dark. It wasn't until my late 20s that I finally got over that. Mostly. Once in a very great while I let a little of that "there's something following you" fear through, just to see if I've beaten it, and every single time it's just as strong as it ever was, if not stronger for all the time it's been spending locked up in my subconcious mind.

I often worry that my stories and my past events and all the things I've done aren't really that interesting. I fear I'm hopelessly ordinary, and that's a sad thought for someone who likes to think of himself as being the sort of person who, when he's old, people will refer to as "eccentric."

I think I learned how cool a pipe could be was from The Professor, Encyclopedia Brown's parental-type unit. And no, I don't inhale, and yes, I limit myself to no more than one serving of tobacco a day (cigar or pipe) and yes, it's my only vice. Well, that and women, but I don't smoke more than one woman a day either.

I think The Catcher In The Rye is one of the worst books I've ever read. Furthermore, I think the practice of making students disassemble books in English Lit classes is the main reason there are so few people who read for pleasure anymore.

I also find women who read a lot very enticing. Nothing is sexier than brains.

I dream, deeply and vividly. I wish I remembered more of them.

I still self-edit, even when I'm fully disclosing. I, you see, still can't bring myself to offend people. *wry smile* I've written and erased at least three statements from this post. I guess I'm doing good to have gotten this far. Baby steps. Baby steps.

17 comments:

meno said...

Well huh. Good for you.

We are all unique, which makes none of us unique.

I bet that by and large, bloggers are an introverted bunch.

Also, i found this really interesting, and i was nodding along. Although i have never had more than one sexual partner at once. I am boring like that.

Mona Buonanotte said...

I love the way you lay yourself bare here. (Well emotionally at least, unless you typed this naked.) I tend to think a lot of us bloggers share the feeling that we're introverted or shy, but harbor thoughts that we're outgoing. That idea has been in my head a lot lately...how I'm seen versus how I feel I really am.

I have had experiences with multiple sexual partners, and by and large, yes, they are overrated. Someone always feels left out. It ain't like pr0n, baby, with the lighting and the camera angles and sech. Well, not ALL the time....

Rayne said...

I like that you did this.
My older daughter, she's 18, was just telling me last night that she is still scared of the dark and that she was talking to her co-workers about it and quite a few of them admitted that they were still afraid of the dark. Now I can tell her that I know someone else who admits to a sometimes fear of the dark. That will make her feel better.
I've never had to deal with that.
Turtles on the other hand....those are pretty scary.

Bob said...

I don't like to offend people, I often go out of my way to keep from doing so.

I am somewhat introverted.

I thought Encyclopedia Brown's dad was Chief of Police?

Clowncar said...

Wow. You and I seem to have rather astonishingly similar (or same-ular, as my 6 year old sez) personalities. Not sure how I feel about that....:).

Puddingesque is a wonderful word.

Catcher in the Rye is okay, but yeah, never understood all the fuss. I think John Updike and Phillip Roth are seriously overrated. Portnoy was good.

Nancy Dancehall said...

Dang. I'm with you, Meno. I'm feeling downright inexperienced. I think I'm the only person on the planet who's only been with one partner. At all, not at a time.

Joan of Argghh! said...

God bless you for a gentleman, if for no other reason than this:
"I think The Catcher In The Rye is one of the worst books I've ever read."

Making inexperienced Catholic girls read that book is just wrong and useless. Possibly the most forgettable book I've ever read. Wait. I'm not sure I can prove to my memory that I read it, except that I complained to my teacher about how stupid it was.

They made us read all sorts of depressing fiction when I was in AP English. I complained often that it just didn't actually reflect, y'know, reality for most middle class kids. We were actually pretty happy. Until we had to read depressing fiction.

Irrelephant said...

Meno, it wasn't meant as a brag. My syster tells me that she regrets nothing she's done in her life. I wish I could boast the same. For a quiet introvert I've done harm in my life that I'd correct if I knew how.

Mona, real Life is never like we see it on teevee or in our heads, is it? Real Life is awkward, bumbling, confusing and at times profoundly magical.

It's also usually poorly lit. *s*

Rayne, you tell her that there's a 41 year old man who lives in Louisiana in a strong, safe brick house with a dog who was born to hunt and kill wolves who still lets a night light burn in the bathroom at night.

Don't tell her it's so I don't whiz all over the toilet.

Bob, I may be wrong but I do remember his pipe smoke being the key to them all getting out of a tight spot. *lol*

Clowncar, I've only just begun letting myself delve into "Literature." I'm careful not to upset my own apple cart--life does it enough on it's own without me going and sticking Literature in my head to make it worse.

As to the similarities? Creepy, innit? Say, your parents never hid a twin brother away, did they?

Nancy, I can name two more women and a man my age who can make the same statement that you did, and quite frankly there are times I wish I could do the same. It wasn't a brag, it was simply a statement of truth. Dispelling myths? I doubt I have that power, but I can point the truth out.

I'm also good at regrets. *s*

Joan, see my response to Clowncar. I'm all for teaching children, as deeply and thoroughly as possible, but no amount of school and well-meaning teachers can make a book make sense when a) it's just bad and b) when the reader simply doesn't have the life experience to compare to what the tortured writer is trying to put across. Save it for college, save it for later. Much later.

Wes said...

I too thought Catcher in the Rye was terrible -- so much so, in my case, that I didn't even bother to finish reading it. And I agree that women with brains are sexy, but reading a lot doesn't necessarily mean that someone is brainy. Trust me -- this is from someone who used to work in a bookstore! ;)

Rudi said...

I read almost nothing while in high school but did happen to read Catcher in the Rye. I took from it the feeling that I wasn't the only messed up kid in the world. That was useful.

Nancy: You can add me onto Irrelephant's list. One and one only.

Stucco said...

Three extra bedmates, and you need penile equity? Try "eenie meanie miney ho".

As for Lit- Salinger can bite my flat ass. Gimmie Fitzgerald any day. Hemingway, even.

And piss people off sometimes.

Merelyme said...

this was...wonderful. i really didn't know much about you at all and...this is some very intimate stuff. this is very courageous of you and it makes me like you very much.

Mother of Invention said...

I can't really remember much about "Catcher In The Raw" as the guys in my class dubbed it, so it must not have shaken or shocked me much.
And no wonder you found it difficult to have 3 partners at once if you were afraid of the dark!!!

Thanks for letting us see the "I" through your "EYES"!

Maggie said...

There is so much in here. So much that totally makes you a rockin dude. Man I am blown away.

There is no way on earth that you aren't interesting.

I hated the Catcher in the Rye too. I've thought about going back to read it again but just can't see the point. I loooooved Encyclopedia Brown. And the fact that you smoke women? Damn you're the coolest. ;)

The Ivory Pen said...

41??!!??

Irrelephant said...

Wes, I did my own brief turn in harness at a bookstore, and yes, I agree with you wholeheartedly!

Rudi, I'm glad someone saw the worth in that little tome. Me, being a majorly effed up kid didn't glean that bit.

I'm getting there Stucco, you flatulent Swede.

Merelyme, I wonder, looking back at it, what exactly made me write that post, but from the interest and the wonderfully positive feedback it's generated I'm glad I did it.

MoI, you're a clever one, aren't you!

I'd probably argue the interesting part with you, Maggie, but thank you. Smoking women, now, THAT'S something to talk about. *lol*

Ivory, I'm afraid so. I figure I'll be dead of old age inside of five years.

Daisy said...

I adored Catcher in the Rye. It was the right book at the right moment in time. Angsty teen in Hawaii, land of sunburned tourists and much that is phoney. I still keep a watch out for "phoney"