Dec 9, 2008

The Gauntlet

(the metal hand thingie, not the movie by Clint Eastwoood) has been thrown down.

Okay, so it's been months since it was thrown, and it's gotten a bit rusty, but I've saved an email from Vulgar Wizard in my inbox for way long, certain that this was going to be a post worth writing.

The email said, simply:

Re: assignment for YOU.
Brainstorm 10 titles to your autobiography.

Well. Sounds like something really difficult, because instead of just tossing off ten things and meandering along I'm going to really put my brain (such as it is) into gear and see if I can't be if not creative then somewhat entertaining.

*carefully juggling six flaming torches, a chainsaw, two rabid weasels and a foul-mouthed Illinois governor who wants to sell me a seat in the Senate*

Ten Titles for The Official Irrelephant Autobiography

  1. Going Against The Grain: Stories From A Slipshod Carpenter

  2. I Don't WANT To Jump Off The Roof, That's Why

  3. Burn, Then See What That Does For You

  4. Excuse Me Monsignor, That's My Anus

  5. What Do You Mean 'You Can't See It'?

  6. Simple Gifts: A Life Spent Looking Around

  7. All Of This And Hot Chai, Too?

  8. So A Horse Walks Into A Bar...

  9. Shiny Side Up: A Life On Two Wheels

  10. What Do You Mean 'I Only Get One'?


Daisy said...

Wow, and all this while swigging cough medicine. I'm impressed.

Mona Buonanotte said...


Um, for the top of me head....

1) Mona: All Revved Up and Stuck in Neutral

2) The Pickiest of Bitches

3) Sleep? Is That Too Much to Ask?

I'm sure with more coffee I could come up with more.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Oooh, Mona, that's a good start.

I'm smelling a meme here.

My pirate senses are up for a boarding party and outright pilfering of the idea!


Shao said...

Why Is It So Hot And What Am I Doing In This Handbasket?

Clowncar said...

6 and 8 are very good.

Yes, That Is A Telescope In My Pocket, and I Am Glad To See You.

meno said...

HA! I love these.

Here are some of mine.

1) I Remain Puzzled.

2) What's The Use?

3) You Want Me To Put It WHERE?

4) Livin' Large and Lugubrious

5) What's That Smell?

6) At Least I Think I'm Funny (but looks aren't everything.)

7) Offending The World

8) I Invented Snark (and the internet.)

I could go on, but luckily for you, i'll stop.

Irrelephant said...

Daisy, you ought to hear me sober... oh wait...

Grab some coffee, Mona, I want more! Love #1!

Joan, I believe it probably was a meme, but VW knows my distaste for memes and I'd never meme anyone (not after that one time...) so heck, take what you will, I'm easy!

Wow I've lost ALL my social barriers today...

Nice one, Shao! And it's so true.

Clowncar, VERY fitting!

Oh very good, meno! And I didn't even have to tag you! I really like #4.

Tell you what, guys and dolls--if you do use the idea on your own blog, let me know so I can linky to you? I'm glad this turned out to be so much fun for everyone--I knew I kept VW's email for a good reason. Thank you VW!

Gordo said...

I'll have to cogitate on this one and will post them at my place. Eventually.

I came darned close to spewing my lunch on my laptop when I saw #4 ... LOL

Irrelephant said...

Gordo, I can't wait. Oh, and check your email--I sent you a link to a KillDroid.

#4, I'll have to admit, was stolen from a BASIC program that friends of mine wrote some twenty-plus years ago on an old Apple IIe. It would carefully draw one sentence from several databases of psychotic sayings and assemble a letter. I still remember some of those insanely funny bits--that was one of them. "And then I said 'excuse me...' etc. *G*

Nancy Dancehall said...

1. Dancehall Days (What else?)

2. Life Among the Never-Winged

3. Confessions of a Dominatrix Prude

4. WTF?

5. Have We Met?

6. But Enough About Me

7. Lurid Tales From the Road: Nancy Dancehall and the Hungover Mothers on Tour

8. Suitable as a Doorstop

9. What I Could Have Written Had I Not Spent SO Much Time on Memes

10. Forrest Gump

Vulgar Wizard said...

Dude, I'd go with number four if I were you.

Vulgar Wizard said...

It wasn't a meme, by the way, but by all means, feel free to make it so, Number One(s). I think I grabbed the idea from one of those writing prompt sites.